Worthless
by Foxes-Rock
Summary: Lovino Vargas has known only one thing all his life, and that is that he is second best to his brother. But what happens when Lovino's life starts to fall apart and into a deep depression? Can his brother, Grandfather and friends help him? Or was he ever supposed to exist at all? Self Harm Trigger Warning Attempted Suicide. No Pairing Story' 'Also on Wattpad'
1. A Need to Breathe

_**Hello to you all!~ Ciao!~**_

 _ **I have decided to write a Lovino Vargas Fanfiction. I don't know exactly what to say but a few things. In all of the Self Harm, Suicidal Fanfictions I have read for Lovino- I have noticed one thing; And that is that Feli hardly does anything. I know- I know what you are thinking. Feli can be a bit of a crybaby ( As can Lovino. ) But I honestly do not think that he is as oblivious as people make him out to be. I think he notices things but doesn't say anything. I think hes a bit more passive then he lets on. So in this story.. Feli's thoughts are brought into the light as well.**_

 _ **I honestly think Feli wants to be close to Romano, and has always wanted to be. They are brothers, and he does live with Romano. I just think one has a harder time expressing himself then the other. Just like normal siblings that have a hard time opening up their hearts to one another. I think Feli CAN fight with Lovino. I think Feli CAN get pissed off. And I think feli CAN notice the things with Lovino. So this is a story of.. yes.. a Very misunderstood Lovino. But Also a story of two brothers becoming a family after so many years of hurt and frustration.**_

 _ **Its mainly focused on Lovi and his struggles through life- Struggles a lot of us has faced ( I myself, included. ) Lovi is my favorite character. Hes easy to cry, easy to spout off.. and yet he has a heart that he does not like opening up to others. Possibly because of his self confidence issues, and insecurities.'**_

 _ **I hope you like this. Lovino, to me is a lovable, sensitive person. I think he's always wanted to be with his Nonno and his brother- DESPITE how he yells and curses in denial.**_

 _ **I think Lovino just wants to be loved and accepted by his family for WHO he is. So Please... Enjoy this.**_

 _ **'Author'**_

* * *

 _Skin burning with much-needed attention. Blue comatose veins bulging at the constant, aggressive rubbing that was placed on them. Puffy skin, raising up with each stroke of the hard nails that were being mercilessly dragged across the nice olive colored skin._

 _Nails that would be bite down to stubs, and then used as weapons on ones own self-esteem and conscious. A soft sound filled the air. One not foreign to the person giving it out. A shake, a tremor. A low curse at how easy it was to get lost in this type of situation._

 _A situation that was none too familiar. and all too painful. One that was shameful to the public eye, but a lifeline in the quiet realms of one's room. It was something that not a lot of people could grasp or understand, and yet it was something that ALOT of people had or have or were dealing with._

 _It was something hid._

 _Something misunderstood._

 _Something that turned the judgemental heads of everyone who had never done it, Or who had regretted it, and decided demoralizing people who still did it- was the way to go. It was foolish. It was foolish that people were so stuck in their own ways... that this.. 'situation' was left in the dark by the world. By the thoughts of others, and by the judgemental stares of the constant, ongoing crowds._

 _Its something people are taught not to do- but somehow end up doing it anyway._

 _I just didn't think I'd be one to do it either._

 _To be sitting here with a lifeless look in my eyes that only grasped my inner thoughts. To sit here with this damned, large jacket hoodie... Rolled up sleeves and trembling, scrunched up fingers. Raw forearms. Raw emotions. Screams that I refused to let out and blood caking the inner fore-walls of my fingernails._

 _I chose this. It seemed less violent than the knife, the blade... or even burning, or screaming, or even hitting my head on a wall over and over again. Pathetic was the only word I could come up with myself. Pathetic that when things got too tough, to messed up, that I would bring myself to do one of two things._

 _Sit in a tub of water and scream into the hot substance, Or sit there and rub.. and rub.. and rub. Until..._

 _Until.'_

 _'Drip'_

 _'Drop'_

 _Until that happened.'_

 _Until the angry skin of my arms gave out little screams, tore open in all their glory and decided to rain down red tears. Oh, what was I kidding? I was spending too much time with my damn brother and his weird obsession with poetry._

 _I was bleeding._

 _I freaking tore open my skin with my nails and now I was bleeding._

 _You're probably wondering why I did this. Probably wondering what had driven me to this. But I don't really want to talk about it... I just want to scrub away at the skin and hope that the blood doesn't show through the dark grey of my school issued hoodie._

 _I hope my little brother doesn't get in the way with his loud annoying voice and I hope my cousin doesn't either._

 _Stupid Spanish jerk.'_

 _This is just how it had been all my life. I'm used to it. I'm used to the betrayal and the pain and that shit. But I'm also used to feeling this way... feeling the way that I do now. I'm just being damn confusing right now huh?_

 _Sorry. Is that what you want me to say? Sorry? Sorry?... I'm not sorry for it. Or at least that's what I keep repeating in my head over and over and over again. I just need to breathe. I'm being pathetic again. Pathetic and moody as my brother likes to point out with his German pain in the ass of a best friend._

 _I could say I'm fine._

 _Or I could just continue to scream 'Salvami' Over and over again in my messed up head._

 _Salvami._

 _Salvami.'_

 _... Maybe I don't want what I'm screaming.'_

 _I should clean up now... Before that Spanish jerk face comes in here and ruins my time of solitude. Like he always manages to do. But I am in the infirmary. I am stuck at his house with my little brother._

 _Its always been like this since Mama and Papa died._

 _And Grandpa decided to go through a damn, creepy mid-life crisis.'_

 _I'm getting ahead of myself._

 _Ah damn._

 _The bell just rang.'_

* * *

" As I take attendance today I would like to remind you all that your homework is due. Please put it in the basket on my desk and I will grade it as fast as I can.' A woman smiled and chuckled. Her chest was a bit.. oversized... and to be honest she was so much of a crybaby that the class tried to get by with everything.

But she had a little brother going to this school and everyone was terrified of him.

So that was shot down really fast.'

Inside was a class of students. It was math and consisted of several students. One being the loud-mouthed American named Alfred. Beside him sat a Brit by the name of Arthur. Behind the Brit sat a bright, green-eyed Spanish teen. He was very chipper and went by the name of Antonio. He sat in the middle of the Italian brothers. Feli on one end.

And Lovino Vargas on the other.

They were twins. Luxurious and blessed with looks that almost rivaled roman gods. Feli had beautiful brown, oak-ish eyes. His hair was auburn and he had a wacky curl on side of his head. He was always giggling or crying out for help from his friend Ludwig. A German boy that sat behind him.

Lovino was usually left hanging around Antonio and his weird friends that the girl dubbed, "The Bad Touch Trio.' He didn't want to be around the group of perverts but he somehow ended up being sucked into it anyway. Whether he liked it or not.

Lovino had olive skin, Hazel eyes. One moment brown the next a stunning greenish color. One that reminded you of the fresh green grass on the countryside of Italy itself.

He had darker auburn hair. It was closer to the color of the beautiful barky earth tone of brown. He too had a curl, but it was placed on the opposite side of his head. He was much more.. per say lazy then Feli, but He always managed to get things done... despite what people wanted to believe in the Italian boy.'

Antonio was their cousin. After a weird, hard to explain marriage. That didn't even last long but Antonio was still attached at the hip with no letting go seen in the future.

There were more students of course, but not all can be explained and not all are relevant. At least not right now. At the moment the oldest Italian twin twitched and glanced out the window, muttering a dark curse under his breath as he rested his head on the palm of his hand.

He was so graciously placed by the window.'

His dull hazel eyes glanced at students running around and trying to either get on buses or trying their best to rush to class because they were late. He even saw a few stragglers rushing with books and papers flying. Probably having toast still out of their mouths like in those older animes- Not that Lovino would know anything about older anime in the slightest.

He grumbled, scooting down into his long hoodie and half shutting his eyes as the teacher starting rambling because she spilled her coffee and was now weeping about how she needed her caffeine fix when dealing with 'Hormonal Bratts'

Lovino was sure she was talking about him but he refused to even glare at her when he knew ' The Siberian Of Russia' Or should he say her little brother, was just across the hall in English class.

Yeah...

No thanks.'

Instead, he let his eyes glaze over with much-needed sleep- Not that he didn't sleep a lot. Its just his body was in constant demand of the stuff-. Not noticing the teacher stopping her tirade of ramblings and then glanced around the class just to make sure they were ready for her to begin.

And she then giggled and cleared her throat.'

" LOVINO VARGAS!"

"!?"

A loud ' THUMP' echoed out throughout the classroom and Alfred just had to open his Texas-sized mouth. He cracked up with a loud, " HA! HA! HA!' After Lovino so graciously hit the floor... Still half asleep mind you.'

Then the teacher started rambing again.'

" OH NO! I AM! SO! SORRY!" She wailed, hiding her face in her hands. Lovino wavered... the classroom went blurry for a second until his mind decided to give him a whiplash of reality. and then he noticed all of almost everyone laughing or scoffing at him.

His face flushed a dark red.

Dammit.'

" MIA TOMATO!" Antonio gasped and whined. Shivering and reaching forwards to help him up.

" IM NOT A DAMN TOMATO BASTARD!" His cheeks just flared more as Feli decided to peak over Antonio and yelp. He was always kinda mousey.. but so was Lovino... so it must have run in the family, to be honest.

" Fratello?... Are you okay?" he whined.

Lovino hissed.'

"I'm fine Bastard! Don't look at me...' he growled... Got up. Dusted off his hoodie and made sure he was clean in both senses of the word... and then flipped off the laughing American since it had been directly in his ear.

He then sat down... the only pride he had was still there...

Until Antonio pouted.'

" But you look like one Romano~'

That damn named popped up.'

"Awww. Romano!" Alfred grinned... Almost sarcastically, " What a cute nickname!" He snickered. Romano suddenly let his head hit the desk. Ears turning blood red at the prospect of being teasing for a name Spain had given him when he was four...

Heck, Even his Nonno had liked it and still liked to annoy him to this day.

" SH-SHUT UP! Hamburger Bastardo...' he muttered into his arms and growled. It was almost a miracle when the teacher was able to shut everyone up with a, " Don't make me get my brother' Look.

This was a typical day actually... Although Lovino had to admit he had never fallen out of his desk before. He knew he was damn clumsy but he didn't think it would go as far as him crashing into the nasty high school floor. Antonio looked generally worried and Feli just shouted a happy, ' OKAY!' Before trying not to chat to Ludwig about all that had happened that following week.'

Lovino groaned when class started. It wasn't exactly his best class... But then again he did take Italian as his language elective so he could just sleep through it. It must have been karma kicking him in the butt for the extra siestas he liked to take.

The class droned on and Lovno was left doing his math homework with a frustrated expression on his face. It was practically spelled out on the page but sometimes things just liked to mix and match. It was so irritating. and then to top the cake for his crappy day...

The teacher sat down his homework and he noticed the red marker circled over a whopping thirty points.

He groaned.

Shit.

He heard Alfred snort under his breathe, before getting elbowed harshly by Arthur. It wasn't even their business, it wasn't like he cared anything- Although he knew one of two things. His Nonno would care about it and that alone was the most annoying thing.'

Mostly because his Nonno was always busy nowadays and now he was going to go home with another bad grade- and his brother probably aced perfectly with no flaws or regulations holding him back. Feli was always the first to finish, and people looked up to him for it.

Lovino always finished last and sometimes it'd go home with him. Which didn't go well with him because he actually LOVED to sleep.'

He hated Highschool.

It sucked.

Everything sucked.

His club was even shut down because all they did in it was sleep. What? He never said he was perfect. He just thought the 'Lazy Ass Romano Club' Had been worth it. Even if Antonio did sign that stupido name on the registry form.'

So when the bell rang and he got up. He stuffed the test into his backpack and hoped to god the woman didn't call him. She did.. he ground his teeth, stopped and swiveled to look at her.

"Lovino... You really need to get your math grade up. You're failing my class, and as much as I love my students-

 _'Freaking Liar. She was terrified of him._ '

" I want to see you succeed.'

 _'No, You just want to see me gone.'_

" So If you need a tutor just let me know.' She smiled.'

He rolled his eyes.'

" Yeah, Yeah..." he grunted, glared and then walked out without caring. He didn't need a tutor or whatever... His brother could do it so he could at least try to stay one step underneath him. He didn't' want to be so bad at everything that his brother was on the sidewalk of life and he was under the bus in the street.

... But life sucked.

Did you know that?

Life sucked... it sucked you dry of anything and everything.

Frick.

" ROMANO!"

Lovino whipped his head around as soon as Antonio latched onto his arm.

Panic seized his chest and he quickly started screaming,

" GET OFF ME YOU BASTARD!" He grunted, wiggling his arm free before gasping out at the searing pain that suddenly seized his body.

Ah...

Crapolla...

The Spanish boy just laughed, however,

" We are headed home Lovino! Come on! Come on!" He lit up. A bright smile on his face. He didn't live with Spain anymore... He used too when they were little. Things had gotten complicated. A marriage happened... Feli got to go with Grandpa Romulus. and He stayed with Antonio.

Antonio however still liked to walk with the brothers home.

He ran off when he saw Feli and started screaming at him to come too.

and Lovino glanced down at his sleeves and cursed as he shoved his hands in his pockets and headed to the bathroom.

Crap.

It was a nice hoodie too.'

* * *

Feli was a ball of sunshine today. Cheerful skipping beside his brother and Antonio as the spanish boy walked them home, waved and then ran off to go home himself. Feli however couldn't hel but burst through the door of the nice house and scream at the top of his lungs- For he was having a lovely day and wanted to make it even more so-

" Nonno! WE ARE HOMMMEEE~~!"

" Not so loud Bastard. Dammit... Giving me a headache...' Lovino cursed and spewed at him, placing a hand on his head and groaning. He swore his brother got louder and louder every day.

How were they twins?

He questioned it sometimes...'

" LOVI! Please don't call-a your brother a Bastardo!" A man came out from the kitchen, a bright smile on his face. His hair was really curly. He was wearing a dress shirt at the moment, probably from coming home from work. His hair was always messy... whereas the boys only had a curl each, Romulus had curls all over his head. He was a ticking time bomb if anyone knew what those curls did to a person.'

Lovino grunted, rolling his eyes but sighing as they were dragged into the kitchen-He ignored his Nonno greeting Feli. Mostly because they had always been close... and although Lovino.. deep down... kinda of wished it was like that for him- He found it blatantly impossible.' So He went into the kitchen and sat down to the plate of Pasta that was already fixed for each of them.

He took his fork and blankly rested his head on his hand.

His eyes tired.

His Nonno, although older ( and yet so freaking youthful looking ) Starting rambling about all the ' Hot ladies' At work. He was probably the most popular guy at the water tank at work...

Lovino kind of thought that fit his Nonnos image. He would have laughed at it... If he was in a better mood then he was right now.

But...

Lately...

Lovino hadn't of been in the best of moods at all.'

Feli however- As oblivious as he can be sometimes- Lit up,

" Oh wow Nonno! You are'a so popular with the ladies.. Give me pointers please!?" He giggled and clapped his hands, only to beam. He got to spend the whole day with Ludwig, His Nonno came home earlier than normal and he got a great score on his test! He was so happy that he felt like he could walk on the moon! He had to admit that some days just went on, and at times he tried to spice things up a little, but today didn't hold a candle to any of that!

Because today he got to spend time with his Nonno and his older brother. It was like heaven placed on earth and smothered in his brother's pasta sauce- Because although Feli would never admit it... His brothers cooking was so authentic Italian that even Feli would drool at the thought of the special treat. Plus Lovino used homegrown ingredients. That was an extra mark on the score key of, amaziness.

" SO!" HIs Nonno suddenly smiled ever so brightly, " How did your homework go?" He beamed, " The one that cost.. what'a? Ten percent of your'a grade?" he smiled and took a bite of his pasta.

Lovino choked on a noodle.

Feli lit up.'

" I got'a Ninety Five! " he giggled, smacking his lips after eating a noddle, " Kiku helped me'a study and I rocked it!" He beamed.

Lovino awkwardly looked away.'

" That's-a great! Nothing less from my grandson!" The man smiled ever so brightly- and then looked at Lovino. Who suddenly felt so sick that the amazing pasta before him made him want to hurl. Which was rare because Lovino had to admit he was a foody. He looked down, placed his cheek on his palm.

" It was just a stupido test anyway..." He trailed off...

Smearing the sauce on his plate.'

" Ahhh... Lovi...' The man suddenly groaned. He let out an exhausted breath, and Lovino was scared to even say the test score out loud. He honestly forgot it was ten percent his grade. and his other grade was sucky, so add that Thirty and he was failing really bad. No one would tutor him because he had a short temper...

Antonio offered to help but Lovino swore he had ADHD or something. One minute he was teaching the next minute he was rambling the recipe to his mother's Churros.

" How bad'a was it?" Romulus muttered and cleaned off his mouth. Lovino let his head trail to a more proper placement.. one that hid his eyes from his Nonnos- and sunk down in his seat a little further.

"... Below.. forty?" he muttered. His voice squeaked.'

" THE HELL!?" The man gasped. Feli almost shivered. Okay... So... Maybe this day wasn't as great as he thought it was. His Nonno was a great guy! He loved both of his grandsons but he upheld grades a lot. Not because he thought they HAD to be smart, but because he wanted them to be as happy as they could be.

So.

Feli could feel the sweat run down the back of his neck as Romulus put on a scolding tone.'

" I told'a you to study!'

Lovino's head shot up,

" I'a did!" he snapped. He was twitching now. The man narrowed his eyes, almost too annoyed to deal with this at the moment. He loved them bothamazingnessbut he had to admit Lovino was a lot like he was when he was younger. Which worried that hell out of the older man when it came to things like this.'

" You must not have studied hard enough! Go back and ask for a redo!" He slammed his hands down. Lovino squeaked, shutting his mouth and letting his body shiver. Lovino had a mouth but when things got physically it was more or less like he had a personality change.'

"... Mi Dispiace...' Lovino swallowed.

He HAD studied hard for the homework assignment. It was just so difficult. In fact, a lot of his grades were dropping and if this was how the man reacted to his math grade? Heck, he was worried as to how he'd react to his Science one.

" Just re'ado the assignment. If you had'a studied like your brother you wouldn't have to do it over.'' He smiled suddenly and patted the teens head. and although Lovino revealed in the rare warmth... he was also annoyed by the fact that once his Nonno got what he wanted he stopped yelling so suddenly.

But... He loved his Nonno just as much as Feli did. His Nonno was a bit flashy like his brother. His brother and his grandfather were a lot alike as they were now. Lovino on the other hand...

... Well...

To be honest he just felt sick to the stomach.'

Well. It was more complicated.

and now he wasn't hungry.'

Lovino got up and sighed, passed his plate to his brother and dumped the pasta on it for Feli to finish off. Romulus blinked...

Now where was he going-

" Tired..." Lovino muttered. He rolled his rebellious looking eyes and then went upstairs, stomping the whole way and muttering a few curses along the way. Romulus winced and glanced back at Feli who suddenly pouted...

But then tried to light up again.'

" Big-a brother has been woking hard! I'll let him sleep! Now Nonno! About those girls!" he lit up, opening his usually closed eyes for once. and the anger and frustration that the older man felt before swept away and was replaced with a big smile.

* * *

 _'If you had'a studied like your brother...'_

Lovino grumbled and tossed his head to the side, laying his head on his arms and glaring at the grey wall just across from him. He was trying to sleep but he just couldn't.

His head was pounding... His shoulders slightly twitched from the oncoming wave of stress. He groaned into his hands and then made sure the door was closed before pulling up his sleeves and looking at his arms.

His angry, scabbed arms.

His eyes narrowed before he plopped back on the mattress. it made a creaking noise as he looked at the skin and swallowed...

It hurt.

But he was kinda new to this stuff.

Let Lovino back track on this one.

He had started this two days ago. He had stupidly gotten to class late... Got scolded.. and had his Nonno called because of his tardiness. His Nonno took up for him, that wasn't the case. It was just a weak moment that Lovino never thought he'd fall into.

It all started with Art class. A class that he always sucked at, but for some reason still took. His drawings were more swirly... more expressive of how he felt like his emotions would smack against his chest at random times. His brother also took the class... He could draw Mona Lisa with his eyes closed. Of course, Lovino knew it from the start. He wasn't new to the forced emotions that liked to swirl around in his chest at times.

After all.

His Nonno always chose Feli over Lovino.

Trips? Feli. That'sFeli. Who had the talents? Feli. He did Art beautifully, Sang like a free bird, Played their instruments without a clumsy side note. He was friendly with everyone and if Feli wasn't a male he'd be considered beautiful. He was shy and good at flirting. He was everything that Lovino was not.

Lovino...

Well.

Clumsiness seemed to be his only talent.

So when Feli was wonderfully praised by his Nonno- Lovino felt His heart sink a little deeper.

And then there was school.

He only scratched a bit... That's all. A bit that it would bleed. But not a lot. He was planning on stopping anyway. He wasn't one for blades or anything gruesome like that. All he knew was that he got a little anger out and that's all he cared about... yeah.

That's all he cared about, Plus if his brother saw this shit he'd flip a lid.

So He wore his hoodie today.

And Antonio grabbed his arm and scratched up his damn scabs...

He swore it was like someone was biting his arm. Like a rabid dog growling and tearing his teeth back and forth. It hurt so bad... and Lovi had to admit he felt guilt nearly choke him up. He wasn't known for this type of stuff.

But.

He sighed out and tried to close his eyes.

But sleep wasn't exactly coming quickly to him.

He stared up at the ceiling, Looked back down at his arms and then hugged himself with a longing that only he could feel.

He just needed some air.

 _That was all.'_


	2. Chorea

_**Chapter 2. Chorea'**_

* * *

" Fratellloooooo...'

'FratellloooOO!'

" Dammit, ... Feli... Get'a off'a me'-... !?"

Lovino suddenly jerked up. Causing his brother to scream in panic and then fall backward off the bed. The older brother quickly pulled his sleeves down. His heart was pounding in his ears.

" I told you not to come in my room!"

" But we're'a gonna be late for the bus!" Feli whined.. rubbing his now tender Head. Lovino took a minute, stared at the clock... and then paled.'

" AH SHIT!" he snapped and jumped out of bed quickly. Rushing to the drawers and pulling out some clothes. He started to strip before turning to his brother and shoving him out. Crapolla! He was like a leach that followed you everywhere!

... Like a tick.

Little bloodsucker!

" That'a hurt Fratello!" Feli cried and rubbed his head. Pouting on the outside of the door. His brother had been sleeping so peacefully that he let him sleep in. After all.. their Nonno was already gone for work so It was Feli's job to wake up Lovino on time.

And wake him up he did.

Feli was worried about his brother-for his brother never turned down pasta unless it was necessary- so he was worried that maybe their Nonnos scolding had been too much on Lovi to begin with.'

When he saw his brother sleeping in the fetal positon he had been even more worried, so he poked himClumsiness and poked him... and then had to end up waking him up the harder way. His brother always did tend to sleep like a rock, but so did he... He was lucky he got up in enough time today.

But...

He might have been late waking up Lovino.'

" AH DAMMIT! We're'a gonna be late! Stuipdo Fratello!" Lovino snapped as he rushed out of the room. His hair was messy, not including the curl since that thing would never stay down, and his shirt was loosely hanging about him.

One thing you must learn about the Italian brothers. They both dressed classy... But Feli was a more formal classy, and Lovino was a sloppy, yet sexy classy. Very different but very much Italian. Lovino ran past the kitchen, grabbed a tomato, stuck it in his mouth and then grabbed his bag. Feli ran after him, grabbing an apple instead and running after his older brother.

They didn't make the bus.

Lovino ended up cursing at Feli who whimpered and cried... Until he spotted Ludwig and left Lovino standing there with a blank look on his face. It was funny.. whenever he was with his brother.. He never got to spend time with him. All Feli could talk about was Lugwig or Kiku. A German boy and a Japanese boy that went to their school. Lovino grumbled and fixed his bag.

Maybe it was good that Feli went on today... he was relieved Feli didn't see his arms. His heart had been pounding so hard this morning that he nearly had a panic attack when he shoved Feli out of his room.

Lovino sighed and adjusted his bag, making sure as to not scrap his skin- and then...

" HOLA!"

" DAMMIT!"

" MIA TOMATO!" Antonio grinned and appeared behind the Italian. Antonio was weird like that... He never took the bus. But it was probably because the Spaniard didn't get up early either. So he was walking as well.'

" I didn't think I'd see you today! Did you miss the bus as well Lovi?" He grinned.'

" Don't'a call me Lovi!" Lovino hissed and tried to wiggle out of the taller boys grasp.'

" AWW... But it fits you mia tomato!" He grinned but then pulled back. His bright smile did not leave his face though, no matter what distance he had on anyone. Antonio had this magical power to make everyone happy.. or to piss everyone off- It depended on the personality type honesty.'

" Anyway! Hermoso día, no es asi? " He grinned, spouting off in random Spanish. Lovi grumbled under his breath. Wonderful. After knowing Antonio for all these years he had learned some Spanish. He had to too be friends with Antonio.'

They were cousins and were raised together, so it made sense that Lovino caught up on some Spanish, not that he'd ever tell Antonio. That would give Antonio front roll seat to speak in Spanish all the time... and Lovino wasn't exactly fluent.

" Speak English... " Lovi sent him an annoyed look.'

" Oh! Si, Si!" Antonio snickered.

This went on as they headed to school... and sadly the sweet Spanish boy was just making Lovino's head get worse by the second... Which was annoying and hurtful to say, but also very true.

And sadly for the rest of the day, it just got worse... and worse...  
and then math came along.

" Wait... You want to redo your assignment?... I-I'm not sure...' Their teacher trailed off, glanced at the computer screen in front of her and then back at the boy... Before sighing out, " I'll let you do it but only during your free period.. okay?"

That meant Lunch. He was starving but... His Nonno wanted it. So...

" Si... fine.' he whispered and readjusted his bag. His head was pounding at this point. And he felt kinda jumpy. His fingers were even having a hard time and his muscles were cramped... It almost felt like a-

Nah.

Couldn't be.

He took his medicine this mor-... ning...

Ah... Shit.

Lovi felt his chest flutter from panic as she handed him a clean sheet of homework and mentioned that he had about twenty minutes. Twenty minutes for something that took him six hours to complete at home. His head was hurting.. and he was... He was having a...

He grunted, sucked in his air as the stress built up- and then went to his desk.

The time that passed was freaking awful. and painful at the same time. He wanted to squirm... but his body was starting to do that on its own.

He went to write a two- his hand jerked. It looked like a three with a long tail.

Frustration suddenly built up in the teen's chest as he slowly let out short breathes. He didn't have time for this at all. He erased the tail with a shaky hand and kept at it. The numbers started to blur. His foot twitched, his leg jerked, his shoulder nearly punted him in the cheek and he went to wonder how his shoulders could even jump that high.

Then he finished... five empty problems given his time ran out. He handed it to her. She smiled softly.

" I'll grade it later.. go on to the gym." She nodded and waved him off leaving Lovino to rush off. He HATED Gym... because he had to freaking move around for some jerk face of a couch, but right now.. maybe moving would do him some good given- His shoulder jerked, his hand went up and smacked a wall.

He cursed out.

Tears prickled his eyes.

Thank god no one saw that.

He rubbed his hand as he slowed his steps and walked into the gym area. Everyone was already running. Great... running. He and his brother were actually good at this one. The Both of them. He sat down and trying desperately to tie his laces...

His fingers jerked making that completely impossible. So he just tucked the laces inside the shoe, stood up and took off running.  
It only took a little bit for him to fall into step. Alfred was running like some god given steam engine. The Brit was running at his own pace, if he could read a book during this time he would. Antonio was chatting up with Francis. A French student that was part of the ' Bad Touch Trio'. His brother was whining behind Ludwig which left running behind them all.

He was starting to relax... But his mind went back to a few minutes ago and the assignment he did. It was sloppy.. messed up, and he didn't want himself to be surprised if he brought his grade down even lower all because of the hand jerks.

" Sh-'

" AH AHAHAHAHA! MOVE IT, DUDE! YOU'RE SO SLOW!" Alfred came tumbling from behind him, he must have run around already. He laughed and zoomed by Lovino... sending the teen off balance.

" WATCH IT YA BASTARD!-' He suddenly felt his voice get caught in his throat. His leg jerked upwards. Pain suddenly surged through every muscle in his body. His shoulders scrunched up, his fingers jerked- he felt like he was suspended in mid-air until his back hit the hard ground.

" FRATELLO!"

" ROMANO!"

" ALFRED!" Arthur bellowed and went to smack his little brother over the head as Italy came bounding up and kneeled beside Lovino. Lovi groaned.. his shoulder went up and nearly smacked him again. This in itself left Feli's eyes widened in shock.

" L-Lovi! D-Di-

" S-Shut up.. Bastard. Just take me to the office, eh?" He twitched again as Antonio pouted. Only Antonio and Feli knew about this. Mostly because for Lovi? It just felt like it demoralized him more. His brother didn't have anything wrong with him and yet he did. It was like someone up there was laughing at him... like this was how everything was supposed to be.

" O-Okay! H-Here'a, Let me support you!" Feli whined, went to his brother and helped him up. That was the only time Lovino suddenly felt the pain shoot through his ankle. To be honest he didn't even know why feli was helping him.

Antonio suddenly supported the other area and they helped Lovino hobble to the other area. Once there Lovi sat down...grumbling and cursing under his breathe.

" Dammit... M-make it... S-Stop..' his voice suddenly started jerking. Panic rose up in his stomach.

" Romano... Why are you having a Chorea attack huh? ¿Tomaste tu medicina? " He voiced his concern and Lovi huffed.'

" Because I was rushed outta my house today...' He growled. Feli paled.'

" I'm'a so SORRY! MI DISPIACE!" He cried. Lovi waved him off. He winced and grabbed a bag that Antonio tossed at him. He didn't even see him leave the room to get it so he had to say the damn man was fast on his feet.

He opened the bag, grabbed his back up medicine and then popped two pills. His dosage was a bit higher than others... but he had this since he was little and it got worse as the years went up.

He swallowed after a quick sip of water and then went to stand.

" AH DAMMIT-OW!" Lovi dropped to the bed... cringing. Feli started trembling, tears pricking his eyes from guilt as Antonio started freaking out about how he might have twisted his ankle when he-unexplainably- tried to kick forwards.'

" ICE!" The Spanish boy yelped.'

" I'LL GET IT!" The youngest Italian brother rushed out... probably crying the whole way.

... Lovi, however, glared up at the ceiling as his twitching slowly but surely slowed down. Dang, it. Everytime it hit it hurt. Every time his body did that it would jerk and make his nerves jump- almost like they were on waves.. an uncontrollable ocean of pain.'

Lovino had developed Chorea as a child. and while his brother was mistaken for a girl, he was jerking badly and in pain, It was so bad that it got to the point where people called him clumsy- which he was... But his chorea made it a crap ton worse.  
His brother, however, was getting praised from the day he was born. He was good at cleaning... cooking. Everything.

" Lovi~?"

"... What...' Lovi whispered, being knocked out of his thoughts completely.

" We should probably head to the next class once Feli gets the ice, No?" he blinked and watched as the teen grumbled, propped himself up on his elbows and nodded. Although he truly just wanted to go home- the next class was Science.

That's when Feli came in with a large ice pack...

Stupido...

* * *

It hurt.

It hurt like hell.

Lovino winced as he hobbled down the hallway. Science was terrible.. as always, and everyone didn't even acknowledge him. No, " Are you okays? Or, ' Oh no, What happens?" Although he wasn't expecting that to happen.. and he didn't really WANT that to happen. It would have been too annoying to be the center of attention.'

What he didn't get was the hard out glares he was getting from Alfred... and the weak stares from Arthur.

Weirdo's...

He never really did get along with the guy but he had never gotten full on glared at by him. But then again, things wouldn't surprise Lovino with all the crap he had to deal with the last year.

So when he was leaving class.. and got slammed against the lockers.

He was kind of getting an idea why he was being glared at.'

" Whats your problem dude?"

It took Lovino a few seconds to gain his footing and realize where he was and why he was there. His head was ringing from being smacked on a lock and his feet were barely touching the ground due to the Americans height difference.'

" What the hell are you'a talking about-

" You kicked me in Gym earlier?" Alfred glared.

Lovino looked utterly confused before he snorted suddenly in his face- Almost spitting on the guy's glasses- He wasn't getting ready to tell the guy he had an issue with his muscles and he totally spazzed on him. He wasn't going to tell him he kicked him in the ass because he didn't mean too.'

" Oh that... Look-a... I didn't.. 'Kick' You.' he tried not to find this amusing.

And he didn't when Alfred punched him.

Silence rang out through the school as Lovino's surroundings danced a bit.

" WHAT THE HELL!" He snarled, whipping his head around and grabbing the boys hands to wiggle them off his shirt. But now he was dizzy. He was tired from his attack earlier and now he was being smacked in the face? THE HECK!?

" You kicked me... You just declared war on the captain of the football team... You know that right?"

"W-What?" Lovi felt his voice go higher.

 _Crap..._


	3. Why Can't You?

_**Ciao!**_

 _ **Thank you for reading, ' Worthless'. It does mean a lot that you all are enjoying this story. I had a wonderful comment that asked me a few questions. I thought I'd answer them. One. This story is an AU, So I did make Lovino and Feli twins. I thought it'd fit a bit better. In this one Ludwig and Feli aren't related, BUT Romulus and Germania are very good friends, so their families are close. Lovino and Feli are both about sixteen in this story. :)**_

 _ **As for Alfred, I did in fact make him a main offending character- for now. Hehe. There, I believe.. are some bullies out there, that do not mean to come across as bullies. They get offended, and then BAM! They rush head first into something without thinking of how it can affect the other person. In Alfreds eyes? Romano started it. Even if it was a huge accident waiting to happen. Plus Alfred seems to be the character that rushes head long. So I used him ( Plus his energy is fun to mess with at times. XP )**_

 _ **In the next few chapters, One might think Romulus is being unfair; But as all parents in the world, sometimes they try to do the best they can, and end up coming flat. Of course not meaning too. Its usthard to understand something you, yourself are not going through. So that is where Romulus is coming from. Please Enjoy the next chapters. And Thank you for the reviews and support!**_

 _ **Author'**_

* * *

 _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ **Chapter 3: Why Cant You?**_**_**_**_**_**_

* * *

When Alfred said war he wasn't freaking kidding.

First, it was putting water in Lovino's shoes... Which was a petty prank to him? Then it went to other things. Like.. defacing his locker. Spreading Rumors. He was already disliked because of his temper.

He didn't think he was going to be disliked for, ' Bullying Alfred.' He kind of found this funny...and then there were moments where he didn't find it funny. Like when kids would be taking about him. And people he thought would talk to him turned their backs on him.

Not Antonio... which didn't surprise him. But...

Feli.

" So'a! Hows school going?" Romulus smiled suddenly one day as Lovino and feli helped wash the dishes. Lovi had come home in a rather bad mood, given he was tripped at school that day and feel pretty harshly. His brother either didn't know what was going on or he wasn't acknowledging it.

" OH!... A... Good-a!" Feli lit up brightly, " I aced my history test this'a time!" he smiled. he wasn't showing off, he was merely expressing how happy he was about it. Although when he mentioned grades or anything else of the sort-

" So'a Lovino. How was your history test?" Romulus smiled.  
Lovino flinched.'

" Fine...!" He almost snapped before he remembered he was talking to his Nonno. So he shut his mouth. But honestly, he was so annoyed and pissed that he didn't care WHO he cussed out at the moment.

His Nonno however arched a brow.

" Fine?... How is fine?" he smiled as he poured himself a glass of wine.

Lovino shrugged.

" Sixty-'

Silence.

"... S-Sixty?... My God LOVINO!" he boomed suddenly making the teen suddenly blink. His eyes went wide for merely a second. He wasn't used to hearing his Nonno yell. Feli even jumped and almost dropped one of their china plates.

" You call'a that fine!?.. fine?" He groaned and waved his hands up in the air, " That's not a'passing! That's failing! Do you WANT to go'a to summer school!?" His voice suddenly became stern.  
and Lovino felt his temper ride up.'

He was tired of hearing all of this... He was tired of hearing, 'Whats your grade? Did you pass? Are you even studying? My god, why don't we just get you a tutor? It would last a lot of time!'

So... He snapped.

" I'm'a trying okay!? Its not like you have any right to harp on me about my grades!" he snapped, swerving around to glare at the man. Romulus was taken aback by his tone. He used it a lot with his brother when he thought Romulus wasn't looking, and maybe even with his friends but never with him.

" Excuse me?" He lowered his voice. It was almost threatening.  
"A-Ah. F-Fratello?" Feli squeaked and made a grab for Lovino's arm. Only he grabbed to tightly and the scratches on the boy's arm were still swollen and irritated. Lovino felt tears prickle at the end of his eyes, a gasp of breath filled the air.

" Your'a Fratello would never talk to me like that!' Romulus boomed. and although Lovino felt himself shrink back, he swallowed the lump in his throat and suddenly looked up at the man.

The man that... after their parents died, left him with Antonio and took feli with him. The man that never really contacted him until he was about fourteen. The man that was always gloating about feli. He knew his brother had all the talents... The singing, the dancing, the art, the cooking, the cleaning... he had it all and he wasn't clumsy either. He didn't hate his Nonno... if fact he was so happy when he finally came for him that he felt like he was finally becoming part of the family.

Well.

Apparently not as much as he wanted too.'

B-But...

" W-Well.. I'ma not my Fratello!" he snapped.

" L-LOVINO!" Feli yelped, gripping his brothers arm tighter.  
" GET OFF ME BASTARD!"

He wasn't sure what it was. He wasn't sure if its because he insulted his brother- or because he talked back and stood up for himself for once. He wasn't for sure. He didn't know, maybe it was true... That his Nonno loved his brother more. That his Nonno took feli and if Only he had been talented.. his Nonno would have taken him too. If only he was like Feli. If only he could be like Feli.

But that was impossible. He was born Lovino. Boring Lovino. He ate too many tomatoes and broke everything he touched. He couldn't get his grades up no matter how hard he tried and now he was dealing with basically the entire school because Alfred was popular and everyone listened to the popular kids just to fit in.

He wasn't sure what he did or said.

To make his Nonno slap him.'

Silence rang out throughout the kitchen area. Feli was standing there, trembling and staring at his brother and Nonno in terror. Lovino stood there.. eyes wide and head jerked to the side.

Shaking fingers slowly glided across his skin as he felt the red spot now spotting. Romulus sent him a dark look.

" Don't...Talk to your brother like that.'

It was enough to make his heart die.

It felt like it stopped beating with the harsh pain that went through it. His face burned, his arm burned. The silence Fratello. Everything burned through him. Be more like Feli he said... Why can't you be more like Feli?... He had tried when he was younger.

 _'But you never came back for me.'_

 _'Why can't you be more like Feli?_

'Because I'm not... Feli...'

 _'Why can't you be kind like Feli?_ '

'I try.. Its hard... to.. express... myself-

 _'What are these grades? Feli never makes these type of grades!'_  
' I tried really hard... the words... It's hard Nonno..'

" I'm taking Feli with me on a trip! Be good for Antonio Lovino!'  
'... Why did you choose him...'

 _' Ah! Look here Lovino! Look at Feli's painting!'_

'... What about mine? Is mine... good enough?'

' _... Am I good enough?'_

 _' Am I.. Anything?'_

He didn't know when it started...But tears suddenly welled up in the corners of his eyes. They were large and hot, and they puddled before slipping down his olive skin toned cheeks. His chest jerked. He brought his hand to his mouth to hold in a sob.  
and he quickly ran out of the room.

Was he anything?

No...

He couldn't have been.

His talents were little to none.

He couldn't draw or paint. He couldn't sing or play his violin well. His grades sucked. He had Chorea...

No...

He couldn't be.. anything.

He was worthless.

Lovino quickly went to his room and slowly slid down the door. Hot tears poured down his face as he buried his face in his knees and sobbed. He cried at the pain that had been his chest- not for a few weeks- but for the pain that had been in his chest ever since he was little and abandoned by his own Nonno.

For always being the second best.. for always being chosen second.

For always being compared to his brother. He just wanted to be loved but it didn't seem like that was ever going to happen.  
Lovino sobbed and choked.

 _Quickly crying himself to sleep.'_

* * *

' Merda... I didn't mean to colpire him...'

Romulus cursed to himself as he sat at the dining room table with Feli across from him. The man was on his fifth glass of wine and was working on finishing the bottle. He ruffled his own hair and leaned his head against the palm of his hand.

It was rare for them all to be home at the same time and it seemed like everytime they were- he and Romano were at each other's throats. It was like world war three was declared all because they couldn't see eye to eye, or Romano did something that he shouldn't have, or the man said something he shouldn't have.

It usually ended with Lovino stomping up to his room and cursing.

Not sobbing.

Not crying.

God..

He needed another drink.'

" I can't believe I colpire the little bambino...' he whispered. It was like a lifetime of guilt that he didn't want to feel. He wasn't an abusive man, on the contrary. He had just been so used to how Feli was.. that once Lovino joined the family things got more so complicated. No, he didn't regret having the teen here. In fact, he was so overjoyed by it.

Heck.

They were basically his children in his eyes.

But Lovino was so much more different then he remembered. He was very snarky.. snappy. Harsh.. all the things that Romulus could be when he was mad. Lovino rarely smiled. It was something he had noticed... the only time he had ever seen Lovino smile was when he was visiting Antonio when they were younger and Romano was picking tomatoes and singing to himself.

And his singing was adorable.

As a proud Nonno, he was allowed to say that as much as he wanted.'

" Nonno... I think that's enough..'

A soft hand touched his own and his hazy eyes met a worried Feli's. Feli was a bit off this afternoon too. Maybe ti was the conflict from after dinner. Romulus had been violent with people who touched his family but had never been violet himself. He had never HIT any of his grandchildren-heck. He never hit his child.. when they were alive.

" That's enough Nonno... " Feli whispered softly. He took the bottle and placed it to the side, before quickly going to his grandfather's side and helping him up, " You and Lovino can'a talk in the morning... It will be okay.' Feli smiled, although Romulus was too drunk to realize it was forced.

Feli had never seen anything like that before. Not from his brother. Nor from his grandfather. His grandfather would never hurt them.. and Lovi loved their nonna almost more than he did. Even if Nonna didn't raise Lovi like he practically raised Feli, Lovi loved their grandfather. Sometimes he'd get too nervous to meet their grandfather on weekend visits.

And he'd cry because he was so happy.

Of course... Given.. he never came out of his room and cussed as he cried. Because he was too embarrassed to be seen in such a state.

Feli tried to be the peace keeper in times like this... So He helped his Nonno to the couch and laid him down. He placed a bucket beside the older Italian man and then covered him up before turning out the lights. He went up stairs to his brother's room and knocked lightly.

Nothing.

He bit his lip and slowly opened the door... Only to find Lovino curled up in front of it.

Fei pouted before inching the door open, softly closing it once inside and then grabbing a blanket. He placed it over Lovino... and then made sure his head was on a softer surface before turning out his brothers light and glanced at him in the darkness.

"Nonno didn't mean it, Fratello...He loves you. We'a love you. " he smiled softly. In a way that most people would not see on the carefree Italian- and then he closed the door.

 _Buonanotte~_


	4. Just Go Away Already!

**_Ciao!_**

Hello! For this chapter, I was going to go with the classic, " Go Kill Yourself!" But after some thought I found it to cliché. Plus, this is Alfred, and no matter how mad he gets- I cannot see Alfred ( A bubbly, loveable person that he is. ) Saying something as harsh as that- no matter how mad he may or may not be.

 ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _On a side note, I'd like to say that this story is not Purely about suicide/ although it is a main topic that is dealt with- ( Along with cronic depression. Something that is very common in the modern world. ) This story yes, has many heavy topics, but its about depression- what can lead to it- Suicide- And how addicting it can be- and then a family situation. So its not purely based around the attempt of a life, but around the healing of a life. That is where Romulus and Feli come in. Along with other characters we all know and love._**_**_**_**

 ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _Author'_**_**_**_**

* * *

 ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _ ** _Chapter 4~ Just Go Away Already~!_**_**_**_**_**

* * *

Romulus didn't even have a chance to talk to Lovino that day.

The boy got up before the man, which is rare for him, took his medication, grabbed his school bag, quietly made his lunch and then snuck out the door.

He was even too early for the buses.

He just wanted to be alone right now.

And thank god his grandfather didn't hear him nearly fall down the stairs- just because he slept on the floor and his legs felt dead. He was covered up last night, which he didn't remember doing.. which meant Feli had been in his room again- He'd yell at him later.

So Lovino pulled on his hoodie, turned on his iPod and then with blank eyes turned on something to calm him down this morning. Of course all he got was ' Lost One Weeping' A stupido Vocaloid song that his brother was introduced to by the

Japanese bastard. But.. whatever.. he'd keep it on- ONLY CAUSE HE WANTED TOO.'

Not like it fit his mood or anything...

The teen grunted and made sure his hoodie stayed in place as he walked down the sidewalks. His mind was still fuzzy from last night.. his cheek still hurt- but it could have just been a mental thing. His arms felt sore.. possibly because he picked at them in his early morning shower.

He might have gone overboard.

The water turned pink...

The teen sighed out as the weight on his chest just got worse. He didn't feel like waking up this morning... but... it was better than seeing his Nonna after that. He knew he shouldn't have yelled at him- but..

He cast his eyes down as he walked, Looking at his shoes awkwardly making sure not to trip over his own shoelaces. His bag was pretty heavy, his mind heavier. His heart fluttered every time he breathed- and then it sunk deeper into his stomach. He felt bad for not saying goodbye, and yet another part of him told him that his Nonno wouldn't even want to talk to him right now.

After all.

He wasn't like his brother- and he never would be.

The Italian stopped and stared at his shoes... listening to the screamo that was in the version of the song he was listening too. His bottom lip quivered before he glanced up and noticed just where he was. Ah... He made it to school without even thinking. It's not like he wanted to come anyway.

The only thing that happened to him here was being shoved around or talked about.

Ha.

Basically something he was used to all his life.

He sighed and wiggled his bag off his shoulder so that he could continue forwards... Not seeing Antonio heading towards the main entrance with a bright smile on his face. He had gotten there early to help with papers! YEP! He was happy he could help, although this was a huge rarity for him. he usually slept in and had to walk to school! But this time he beat the buses!

He lit up brightly and looked at Arthur who was holding the door open for him.

And then he glanced up and saw a familiar hoodie. Familiar arm bands and familiar headphones of Neon green.

" Oh! It's Romano! " He lit up as Arthur blinked and looked over at the boy.

" Ah Yes.. the one my little brother is being a wanker about...'

" Si... He's so mean to him.' Antonio grumbled for a moment, " he's basically my child. Romano is... Even though we're the same age!" The Spanish boy lit up, " I got to help raise him so I am very protective of him! Mucho, entiendes?" He beamed at Arthur.

The British boy gulped, " H-Hey!... D-Don't bloody threaten me... " He whined, waving his hands frantically.

"Anyway!" Antonio lit up, " I'm going to go say Hola to Mia Tomato!" He grinned and went to do so.

Until Lovino was suddenly sent to the ground.

He had just been walking to the entrance... so he wasn't expecting someone to stick out their foot and knock him down as hard as they could. The fall knocked the breath out of him. It left him wheezing, and as he coughed and hed his stomach he heard that...

Loud.

Annoying.. voice.

" AHAH! Dude! SO LAME!" He snickered, " You didn't look where you're going? You do got two feet right? They must be two left ones!" He snickered as Lovino turned on his back and supported himself on his elbows.'

" YOU BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL!?" He snarled. Still out of breathe but very much annoyed. He was already having a sucky week... He really didn't need this.

It was hurtful- But it was also annoying as all frick.

" What? I didn't do anything!" Alfred grinned.

Mean while Arthur paled.

" Oh Dear... I didn't think he'd ever get physical... Oh-'

"MIERDA!" Antonio yelped, almost dropping all the papers.

Arthur blinked.

"U-Um. Right!" he tried to agree and rushed forwards as well... But sadly they were a bit slow. And didn't exactly get there in time.

Lovino wiped his lip... noticing how he must have split it when he was knocked over... His iPod was laying across from him, a large scratch on the screen. He was sure he landed on his arm and his books were knocked everywhere.

This...

Idiot...

Tears threatened to well up- but was soon replaced by anger.

"I mean.. it's not my fault you were there! Maybe you shouldn't have even come today! Maybe you shouldn't even come ever!" He lit up and held up a finger as if to express he was lecturing Lovino about something he should be doing. He then, with great force placed his shoe on Lovi's chest and pressed down.

" Yu don't HAVE to come to school... I mean.. You DONT HAVE to show up man-

" What?" Lovi was caught off guard, suddenly wincing from the weight of the other before feeling Alfred's heel go done hard against his stomach. He coughed... trying not to get spit everywhere as he turned on the ground again and made sure his back was facing upwards instead.

" Oh, ya know... Just stop coming! It's not like your liked or wanted here anyway!." Alfred laughed.. as if it was the brightest thing to say. Maybe he thought it was a joke. Maybe he thought he was being all tough and cool and this is what it took- But it was by no means alright.

Lovino had just left home because he couldn't take all of the yelling and negativity. He himself was a negative, Lazy person. He didn't need any more of that. His mind suddenly flashed back to his grandfather...

And then with all his strength, he kicked Alfred's leg, sending the boy off balance and then falling down to the concrete onto his back. Alfred let out a yelp and Arthur, who was finally descending the stairs, yelped and cringed at how hard his brother fell.

Antonio gasped.

And as Alfred slowly looked at Lovino to glare...

The Italian narrowed his Hazel eyes, refusing to let the tears show.

" Oops... I kicked you.'

' My bad.'

* * *

Feli was worried sick.

No.

He was beyond worried sick. He was petrified at where his brother could have gone at this time of day. Not only was it dead set early but it was also a day where school didn't start right off the bat.

His body trembled.

He walked down the stairs from his brother's empty bedroom and walked into the kitchen. His Nonno was up, fixing some breakfast and also drinking something for his hangover, which was good and all-.. but.

" Ah... Buongiorno.' The man smiled suddenly, " Is your Brother up yet?" He lit up and started to place plates. Feli paled dramatically.. almost threatening to run up to the man and then maybe collapse at his feet.. Instead, he went for the more civil approach and looked at his grandfather dead center.

" Lovis gone.." His voice was NOT as strong as he wanted it to sound.

Romulus blinked.

" Huh?"

" I checked his room.. his bathroom, I even checked his closet and the hall closet! And the backyard, and your room and my room- Cause who knows right!?" Feli suddenly started ranting, " I even checked the neighbors, I called Antonio but he didn't answer! " he started sobbing, " And! And!-

"Feli. Calm down. I did this when I was younger. " The older man smiled gently and patted his youngest grandsons shoulders, " He's probably just headed to school early... I'll walk you there. " he smiled and hid a slight of disappointment as he put up Lovino's plate. Feli sniffled.

Glanced around.

And then shook his head.

" N-No..I... Can we'a go now?" He looked at his grandfather, who blinked.

But then nodded sharply.'

* * *

Who would have thought it would have gotten this bad... this fast?

Lovino sure didn't...

" FIGHT! FIGHT FIGHT!"

" H-Hey! No! Esto no es gracioso! STOP ENCOURAGING THIS!" Antonio cried out to none other than Gilbert... Another member of the, " Bad Touch Trio' And Francis, who was egging it on further. Arthur was pale... poor guy probably wasn't used to violence given he was in the Nerd- a Cough- Magic club.

" BUT ITS AWESOME! Don't cou Agree!? Ze awesome Bloodpummel Ze Awesome Sweat! Ze Awesome Tears!"

" Oui! " Franics chimed and grinned, " I usually go for something more civilized but d'is is better zhen a strike!" he giggled and clapped his hands. Antonio gulped. This was not good... All three of the Bad touch trio couldn't take Alfred and Now Lovino was under his as they struggled and threw insults at each other.

He tried to pull Alfred off but he got a bruised rib in the process... His tomato was gonna be tomato sauce if someone didn't step in and help a little here!

Lovino meanwhile felt himself glare. Everyone around him wasn't cheering on for 'Him'. It was for Alfred... He knew the school hated him all. It was obvious with all the insults and roumors. But... this...

'Beat that Loser!"

" Show that nobody whose boss!"

" Teach him to stop cussing us out!"

They all cheered and laughed.. taking pictures, taking videos. Tears started to slip out of the teen's eyes. He wasn't one for conflict... he was better than his brother with it but that was all he had going for him. All the violence was terrifying, and although he could stand his ground when he had too- he didn't know what the hell he had been thinking challenging Alfred.

Given...

His words kind of made sense.

And was making more and more sense by the minute.'  
He felt blood form like a puddle in his mouth... His shirt was dishevled, his hair was a mess.. He already had a bruise forming on his upper arm and he had a person that weighed two times his weight on top of him ready to pummel him in any given second. He shivered and yelped as he held his arms in front of his face and was quickly hit right in one of his scratch marks.

Tears seared his eyes.

Oh shit.

Ahh... That hurt.

He sat there and gasped for air... As the kids around them kept laughing at him. Making fun of him. Saying similar things like,

 _'Your nothing like your brother!'_

 _' Go take a plunge okay?'_

 _' God.. his temper is so freaking annoying.'_

 _'I wish he would have gotten beat like this a year ago!'_

 _The tears got worse... And Lovi felt fear tackle his chest in a frenzy._

 _Someone..._

 _Anyone._

This guy was going to freaking kill him...'

* * *

Feli felt his eyes widen in panic at the roaring crowd that was in front of the school building. How it had not attracted teachers yet he didn't know.

And he didn't per say care given his brother was being pummeled underneath an American that probably ate ten times his weight in hamburger meat. He couldn't stand to look. Not when Alfred took his strong hands, wrapped them around his brother's fragile neck and started to strangle him. He shook him back and forth. Lovino grabbed at Alfred's hands, making angry red marks with his nails as he coughed and choked.

" L-LOVINO!" He paled. He and his Nonno had walked to school. His grandfather being kind enough to go, although Feli had a feeling it was so he could catch Romano and have a chat with him.

Well.

They caught Romano alright.

It was times like this that Feli was proud to have a bodybuilder as a best friend...

" LUDDWIGGGG!" he cried out and jerked his head around before finding the blonde slowly walking down the sidewalk. He looked up from a rather, questionable book, and then hid it before walking over.

" Vhat on earth-?" He trailed off and looked at the scene.. and then noticed who was under America, struggling and throwing rather horrible curse words into the air.

" Oh Mein gott..." He whispered and then glanced at feli. Who was giving him the killer puppy dog eyes when he wanted something. Sometimesdisheveled Ludwig wondered WHY he dealt with him. He was really confused as to why he HAD to step in when Romulus was standing right there- slack-jawed and pale- But whatever.

" You vant me to get him ou't?"

" Si...' Feli suddenly narrowed his eyes...

Shocking the German.

" Get my Fratello out and Beat the merda outta that American!" he cheered with a bright smile. A bright.. deadly. Roll over in your grave smile. If Ludwig hadn't of been used to feli at this moment, he probably would have peed himself.

"R-right-

" NO Neeedddd...' Romulus held up his hand... FINALLY out his trance before marching over, shoving kids and not caring mind you, before quickly grabbing Alfred from the back and yanking him up like it was nothing but childs play.

He looked down at his grandson... who was gasping and holding his neck..

There was red angry marks around it. He was coughing,  
wheezing for air. His body was trembling and blood puddled everywhere on his clothes. Romulus bit his lip... and then slowly looked at Alfred.

" Ya wanna get sued kid?"

"...E-Eh?" he squeaked.

As Lovno was suddenly tackled by a crying Antonio...

* * *

" WHAT THE HELL ROMANO!"

"...'

Romulus was pissed... No. Furious! Here he was feeling bad about hitting the teen and now this suddenly happens!? Yes, he was mad at the American boy for beating him to a pulp but he was more so annoyed that Romano got himself in this situation to begin with.

Bad grades were one thing. But fighting!? Yes.. he supported defending yourself but when it could be avoided? That would be nice too... Plus it was even worse because it happened on school grounds.

And Romano was suspended for two days. Although Alfred got up to a whole week, he didn't care. Two days was enough for him to be worried.. and pissed. He didn't know what to think. he didn't know what to do! Romano was completely different then Feli.

 _'Im not Feli!_ '

He glanced back at Romano. The teen was holding a pack his lip.. wincing and cringing out. He was avoiding all eye contact. He had new clothes on because Feli is frugal and kept an extra pair in his locker and Romano had to use the school showers. He refused to let anyone help him, which confused Romulus but he let it go as romano being his stubborn self.

Although something wasn't right and he wasn't sure what it could be.'

... Too strict? Not strict enough? He wasn't sure! And now romano was going to be home for two days and he had work. And there was no way he was leaving him alone when he was just getting into trouble left and right!

 _Suspension..._

Oh god why...

Romulus sighed out weakly and rubbed his eyes.

"... He started it, the Bastardo...' Romano whispered under his breath, the ice pack pulling at his tender skin as Romulus slowly looked up at the boy.'

" I don't care WHO started it... You joined in, that's enough for this whole mess to start!"

" I-

" No... Romano. Enough.' Romulus looked at him with a booming voice. He sliced his hands through the air as if to say the subject was closed and closed for good.' Lovino shut his mouth. he glanced down at the white shirt his brother had given to him. He picked at it..

He was in pain. It hurt. His throat was sore... That idiota choked him. He freaking choked him. Romano reached a hand up and touched the raw skin on his neck, cringing out. He was sort of waiting for his grandfather to say something like,

 _'Feli would never do this.'_

He was waiting for it... he knew Feli never would. Heck. He... He revealed Feli. He wasn't anything like Feli. He wasn't great like his brother or talented. He was just causing trouble- But hearing his grandfather say nothing was almost more tortuous in itself.

He swallowed the pregnant air-

And then...

" I think you should go to Antonio's tomorrow...I'm sure he'll stay home if you do."

Lovino felt his eyes widen and he slowly looked up at his grandfather.

But his grandfather wouldn't look at him.

Tears welled up in his eyes...

Ah...

He wasn't Like Feli.

He was worthless. Worthless to stop this. Useless.. and ruined. Scared on his arms, broken from his childhood. He could barely draw like his brother... He could barely play his instrument as smoothly as his Fratello. His fingers suddenly started to ache and twitch from the building stress that plagued his heart.

He wasn't like Feli.

He wasn't talented like him.

And he sure as heck rambling like him.

Because his grandfather was sending him away again.

Hot tears spilled over his cheeks.

And he was left alone in the room.


	5. Red is The Color of Silence'

_**Ciao!**_

 _ **Thank you all for the reviews! Just a short Warning about Self harm coming up.'**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 5: Red Is the Color of Silence'**_

* * *

" Si, Si... " Romulus sighed out as he held the wall phone to his ear. It had come with the house... Old outdated and yet still usable. Kind of like the man himself. He balanced it and wrote something down on a note.

Feli was stirring something on the stove, But he couldn't deny his hands were still shaking from what had happened earlier. He had gotten the shock of his life when he saw his brother underneath Alfred, trying to avoid it all and then gasping. His eyes looked terrified... He was choking for air.

And then his nonna pulled Alfred off like it was nothing.

Feli felt a wave of nausea wash over him as his hand slowly touched the skin of his own neck. He massaged the connecting bones, feeling the soft skin... Before hearing his nonna continue his conversation with Antonio. This snapped him out of his trance- He quickly retracted his hand so he didn't look like a weirdo- And then started stirring the food again.

He wasn't used to that form of violence... the last time he saw something that bad was when he had to take up for himself in grade school.

Against some kid from Turkey.

Feli scrunched up his nose at the memory before tapping the spoon on the side of the pot and wiping his hands on the sides of his pants. He was still shaking, it was undeniable. Although the youngest Italian couldn't place WHY he was shaking.

It could have been because of the fight... It could have been because of the blood. Or it could have been because he KNEW his brother had been getting pushed around lately- And how he knew this was probably going to happen eventually.

He bit his lip and swallowed.

" Si... Thank you, Antonio.' Romulus whispered and wrote something else down, " I'll'a have him bring some tomato's over-... I know you have plenty. But we'a grew these and I'm sure-a you'd like to taste them." He smiled and moved the phone to his opposite ear.

"Si! " Antonio smiled on the other end of the line, " So! How long is Romano staying eh?" He smiled, bright eyes dancing.

" Not to'a long. Just a day or so.." Romulus sighed, " I have'a work you see? I go really early and I don't think it's okay to leave him alone. I don't want'a him getting in more'a trouble then he already is in. " He sighed.

" Si... I understand.' Antonio offered.

Romulus bit his lip. He wondered if anyone really did understand. Lovino always had bad grades but he had never gotten into too many fights. When he did get into fights it was more like Lovino coming home cussing or Lovino coming home sobbing. Either one... But this time it was different.

He got freaking choked. Not only was it morbid but he could have gotten sent to the hospital. PLus he got suspended and Romulus didn't want to leave him alone at home sulking all day.

He knew how Romano could get at times like this. Pissy, annoyed and flat out snarky. He only thought this was for the best. Plus it had been a long time sense Lovino had spent time with Antonio so he didn't see how it was a bad thing.

He sighed. Said his goodbyes and then hung up the phone. He glanced down at the list of things in his hands. It consisted of Lovinos favorite Pizza ingredients... Maybe he could send him with those things to Antonio's and the boys could chow down or something.

He almost felt like he was spoiling Lovino for getting his butt whipped.

The man grimaced at the memory of his grandson nearly going blue and gasping for air. As everyone around didn't go to stop them- Although the American kid was pretty tough?

No one was tougher than this Nonno.

He was sure of it!

The man sighed, tucked the paper into his pocket and then glanced back at the counter. Lovino had just walked in and sat down. He was now wearing a loose fitting long sleeved shirt.

Baggy night pants and one of those weird chokers that the kids found in fashion nowadays. His hair was a mess... his eyes looked tired. His fingers were twitchy- probably from the stress- and he had a plaster by his neck.

Ah... The choker was probably hiding the fingerprints.

" Its'a all settled.." The man suddenly smiled. Trying to force out the awkward atmosphere, " Your'a going to Antonio's tomorrow. I'lla send you with a list and some money okay?" He smiled.  
Lovino merely nodded and kept his eyes on the marble of the countertops.

" Did you'a hear me Lovino?" The man tried again.

Lovino slowly looked up at him with a blank stare.

"Si... Si Nonno... " He trailed off and looked away.

He seemed to be really off.

Maybe it was because of the fight. Or maybe he had been too harsh with the scolding earlier that day. The man winced at the thought... He really needed to learn to shut his mouth. That's what he and Romano had in common... they didn't know when to shut up. Well.. that and looks. Although he had heard a lot of people say feli looked more like him- He wanted to laugh.

No...

It was definitely Romano.

Shocking he didn't have a girlfriend yet or whatever.'

" Alright-a then!... Feli?" He smiled over at his other grandson. Who was also very quiet- again. Another shocking thing. The next thing the man would know and the news would say the world had stopped turning and they had five hours to live- ( Pfft. Like that would happen. ) " Is'a dinner ready?"

" S-Si Nonno!" Feli smiled brightly at him.

Okay.. that was kinda forced.

What was wrong with his grandsons tonight!?

Feli suddenly scrambled over and placed their food down. He helped get the plates... Lovino just stared at it. Romulus let this go by this time. He didn't want to say anything else that could potentially cause an argument. He had enough of those these last few days... and to be honest whenever he and Lovino were alone or in the same breathing air it was like Lightening and fire about to kill each other.

Once the food was set out it was even quieter.

Lovino stared down at his food silently... Which was even more off because he usually ate everything up. This was yet another time he hadn't eaten and for some reason, the older man was struck with the thought of when Romano had last eaten. He did kinda look thinner... But maybe it was his overactive imagination.

"I'm'a tired..." Lovino suddenly stood up. His eyes were indeed tired... His voice was cracked. It sounded so hard to talk about it. Romulus was suddenly overcome with the want to march all the way to that Alfred kids place and give him a piece of his mind. Maybe he would sue the boy for what he did! It was practical assault! Even if Lovino was fighting back- the older man hated to admit the American boy had an advantage over his Romano.

" Not'a hungry again?"

"... No... " Lovino muttered, handed his plate to Feli and waited for the youngest to take the plate.

He didn't.

" You' should'a really eat Fratello...'

" I don't want it... you can have it...' Lovino muttered, urging Feli to take it.

After all.

He was being sent away.

He didn't need this stuff. He didn't need it if he wasn't even worthy of being here in the first place. He was worthless in learning. Worthless in defending himself and now he was just plain worthless. Especially when he was put up to the light and all the people could see was his brother.

His brother was born with all the worth in the world.

The bright smile. The giddy personality. The good looks.

Everything. And Maybe Feli knew it... He never said anything nice about him. He never invited him to spend time with him and his Nonno... maybe it was because feli was more so passive.  
Or maybe it was because he didn't care.

"No. You eat it.'

Silence filled the air suddenly as Lovino sent him a disgruntled look. He looked at him.. his face scrunched up. Feli just watched him... for once very serious. He looked like he was the oldest at this moment. He looked like he was the most mature.

Go ahead.

Act that way.

Lovino was sure Feli was supposed to be the oldest anyway. He was just stupid and came out of their mother first. He was eager to meet a family he would NEVER have. He wasn't wanted... He was worthless to them. His brother must have gained everything because he was patient in leaving their mothers womb. What was that saying? ' All good things come to those who wait?'

Yeah.

Feli must have sucked it all up with their mother's love.

And yet.

Lovino just couldn't hate him.

No matter how much Feli got... No matter much he got compared to his little brother, He just couldn't hate his Fratello.  
His face scrunched up... Feli watched him, and his brown, oak eyes went wide when he saw something flash in Lovinos' eyes that he had never seen before. He couldn't place the emotion... he couldn't place the thoughts that he saw dance with his brothers hazel eyes. He looked tormented... like he was just standing there quietly.

And then he sat the plate down and looked away.

" I said I'm not hungry...You'a could'a said you didn't want the food... " He whispered.

And then left up the stairs.

His footfall was silent. He used his hand to guide himself up to his room... and instead of slamming the door in anger he merely shut it behind him properly. Feli sat there in the silence of the kitchen and then looked over at Nonno. His eyes were wide... He almost looked terrified.

" ... I...'

"It's okay... " Romulus whispered and patted his grandson's hand,

" I'ma worried too.'

Feli swallowed the bile building up in the back of his throat. He had waited a long time to see his brother again... he had been happy when he got too. But now he was confused. The happy family that he thought they would have?

Wasn't happy at all.'

He couldn't sleep.

His stomach growled.

* * *

He chose to the freaking annoying the sound.

Romano hugged his stomach and stared up at the ceiling. His hazel eyes reflected the light fixture. His breaths were long and slow and the clock on his wall ticked by the time. He didn't have school tomorrow... He had to go to Antonios.

He knew he was supposed to pack some clothes but he had that feeling that he would have to pack up more than just two outfits. Last time he went to Antonio's... he stayed there all his childhood and merely left when he turned fourteen. And now he was headed back.

Like a reject.

Antonio was great and all.

But...

That wasn't the point right now. Right here.

Romano shivered. His room was unusually cold, but what do you expect? he had closed all the doors and vents. He turned on his side and stared at a pile of dirty clothes just across from his bed. He hadn't cleaned in here for a while... And he often had nightmares of squirrels coming from their nest and making homes in his t-shirts.

Damn rodents.

He sighed...

His chest was usually heavy tonight. Heavier then it had been in all these months. It felt like Alfred's foot was still there... pressing down and taking some of his breath away. Every time he breathed in deeply?... His throat would scream in agony.  
The teen groaned and sat up.

It was late... But now he was regretting not wanting food.

So he slung his legs over the side of the bed and walked out of his room quietly. he knew they were both sleeping... His grandfather had work and his brother had school. Feli's bedroom door had closed two hours ago and his grandfathers light was out.

Which was good.

He didn't want to see either of them. It would just make leaving extra hard.

Lovino descended the stares... using his hand as a guide before hitting the bottom floor quietly and going to the kitchen. They always left the sink light on.. .. so he didn't- by some miracle- run into any of the bar stool chairs. He went to the sink and then grabbed a tomato off the hanging vegetable rack.

He wiped it on his sleeve and then took a large bite of the red fruit. It gushed into his mouth and sent relaxing taste through him. It was a nostalgic taste... he wasn't sure if that was why he still ate tomato's or because he actually liked them. He blamed Antonio for that one given the Spaniard's family were tomato farmers and he was forced to help a lot when he was a little boy.  
Summers were hot... Maybe that was why he was way more tanned than his brother.

Lovino grunted and chewed the fruit before swallowing it down. It hurt... The acid hurt his throat so badly that it brought tears to his eyes.

And yet he took another bite.

Revealing in the pain.

He swallowed again.. a bigger piece this time.

He actually gagged.

He coughed into his hand so that he didn't wake anyone up and then took another bite. The acid wasn't even numbing anything.. it just got worse and worse and worse. He ran a hand through his hair, only to realize that it was trembling.

Tears leaked out of his eyes.

He wasn't going to be in this kitchen tomorrow... He wasn't going to be in his bed.. he wasn't going to see his brother in the morning or hear his loud mouth. He wasn't going to smell his grandfathers cooking or smell his weird alcoholic smell that was weirdly relaxing to the bones.

He wasn't going to be here...

He.

Lovino shivered.

Tears stretched down his cheeks as a hiccup left his lips.

He had never cried this hard before.

Yes... he had cried many times in his life. They called him cry baby a lot when he was little... Even if Feli was more prone to do so. But he had never cried this much. He didn't think the pain in his chest could get THIS bad. He didn't think it could take his breath away like it was doing now.

He finished the tomato, licking his fingers and hiccupping at the same time.

He looked down at the sink and turned on the water. Sticking his shaking hands under the stream to get off the sticky juices and the seeds... He hiccuped. Ducked his head down to cry and wipe his face on his shirt.. and then momentarily stopped when he saw something on the bottom of the sink.

It was left in there... it was probably used for dinner.

He stared at it.

Face red. Hazel eyes puffy and swollen. His little nose red from sniffling.. his hair messy around his face and framing it in all its heart broken glory-

And his pupils widened at what he saw.

It was a small vegetable knife. Now bigger than his pointer finger. It was the smaller kind... It could have been considered a pocket knife if it could only flip open. But it was used to cut vegetables... Probably the tomatoes. Even though Tomatoes' were a fruit.

He always had to remind Feli about that.

The handle of the knife was brown... wooden. The blade was often sharpened because they liked their knives sharp for cutting food. It gleamed and he didn't notice his fingers self consciously going for it and then holding it up to the yellow light of the kitchen.

He stared at it for the longest time. Almost like a fish out of water... Almost like this damned thing would start talking to him any minute- demanding to be put down.

As he stared at it...

He became painfully aware of his arms. Both were scratched up by his stubbed nails. He had made himself bleed this morning.

The water had turned pink and yet the surface area wasn't even big. He was still new to the prospect of self-inflicted pain. He had not been doing it for long.

He had refused to use a knife... He thought it was gory and it reminded him of Antonio's weirdo of a nife collection that he had stumbled upon when he was merely a boy. He refused razor blades... too much hassle to take the screw out. He refusing to burn.. or banging his head on walls.

That one sounded painfully annoying. His brother already gave him enough headaches thank you very much.

But something was drawling him to this knife... Was it the perfect angle of the blade?... How they made it sharp all the time? Was it the case that maybe... Just maybe because it fit so perfectly in his hand?

 _'Maybe... He'll notice...'_

 _' No... You don't WANT him to notice this. He'll send you away for good!'_

 _'But... Maybe he'll notice...'_

His mind shivered. Part of him wondered what his grandfather would do if he saw the bandages or the scratches... Would he be sent away or would he be pulled into a loving embrace that only his little brother seemed to get all the time? Part of him wanted his grandfather to see... Another part didn't. He wasn't seeking for attention in the slightest. In fact, he was sure he'd die if his grandfather tried to send him to a shrink.

But part of him wondered...

He wondered if his grandfather would care. Would.. he still be worthless?... But that was the thing. The other voice suddenly skipped into his mind and stopped all the hope. It stabbed it down and drowned it in other- more negative thoughts- Pfft.

Scars? That would only make him MORE worthless than he already was. It would only make him feel even crappier right?... But... The scratching took a lot of this.. heaviness away.

The scratching made his mind go to wanting to hide his little secret- instead of the bullying or the comparing.

Would...

Cutting do that too?

Lovino choked. His face slowly twisting in agony. His hazel eyes flickered with hurt.. frustration, and worse of all.. loss of self-purpose.

He leaned over the sink and took a few shaky breathe before Slowly... numbly, shakingly, pulled up his sleeve. The knife was held firmly in the other hand. His stomach pressed against the cold metal of the fancy kitchen sink. His hand trembled- which he was sure wasn't a good thing- And then paused.

Would it hurt more? What if he did it wrong? Lovino swallowed.. clamped his eyes closed and then pulled them open.

He angled his wrist just so... yelped at his own actions. And then choked as he slipped the blade across the tender skin.

The already scratched skin split right away. Beads of blood slowly formed... Not just from the cut but from the irritation. Romano almost cursed out long- for the first cut hurt the most- But then his cursing was slowly faded into a soft.. dead look.

He stared as the beads rose up a bit more. Collected too much blood for it to stay in one spot.. and then dribbled down his wrist into the sink. And Strangely enough... the pain made him shiver. Tears welled up in his eyes again. Unlike scratching... the cut was made easily. Scratching makes you work at it.. think about what your doing- and then you can stop before going too far- But cutting was a quick fix.

It was faster... and less time-consuming. When he scratched... You could practically HEAR the skin tearing off. But when you cut.. it wasn't heard at all. Just a small slice, just a small cutting sound. Bam... done.

Lovino choked. The tears got hotter as he lifted the blade and did it again. And again.

And again.

Soon his arm looked like he stuck it in a cat pin and told all the beast of hell to attack him in one fatal swoop.

The pain was almost unbearable.

He didn't mind that.

He was already worthless... This just took his mind off of how much of a loser he was. He glanced up at the cuts... and choked.

None of them were too deep... but he wasn't making a move to stop the bleeding and the blood tended to puddle under his wrist and then drop thick ribbons into the sink below.  
Lovino swallowed and reached forwards.

He turned the water on and made sure to wash the sink of the blood... He then did something stupid and stuck his sliced and diced arm under it.

" Shit-!' He squeaked. The tears slipping out of his eyes before he quickly looked at his arm. It was still bleeding... But of course, it was still bleeding. Some of the cuts were crisscrossed... they hurt the most. The ones that were crisscrossed.

Because one cut got cut twice...

He shivered, his legs were now trembling. He pulled his sleeve down and made a mental note to hurry upstairs so he could get some bandages. He started rinsing the knife and found that it would probably be smart to leave it where he found it-

" Lovino?"

He jumped and quickly swiveled around. His eyes wipe.. His heart nearly pounding out of his chest. He held his arm behind his back, but not enough for someone to notice. Which was good because he was sure the sticky blood was making the dark grey stick to his arm.

" What'a are you doing up?"

Romulus whispered and looked at Lovino. He glanced around the kitchen and then noticed the tomato top on the counter, " Ah... Midnight snack eh? That's understandable... You didn't eat dinner.' He whispered and then glanced at the boy. Lovino kept his eyes down. His breaths were almost in panic mode.

" S-Si... I-I'm.. going back to bed now," he whispered and quickly turned to go.

" Lovino?"

He stopped.'

"... Make sure you get enough sleep. We have to get up early tomorrow.' The older man whispered and yawned. Apparently half asleep himself.

Romano just felt his heart drop a bit.

" S-Si...' He whispered an then quickly rushed up the stairs. He ran into his room.. bolted the door.. and then quickly looked at his arm. Blood was soaking through the cloth, but it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be.. he peeled it up and looked at the cuts that were slowly but surely stopping.

Tears welled up in his eyes.

" Oh god... " he sunk to his knees... sobs ranking his body, " What'a am I doing?..."

But maybe that's not what was bothering him.

Maybe it's because his grandfather didn't see anything wrong with him. He didn't notice his puffy eyes.. or his sad expression. All he could do was mention tomorrow. He just had to mention tomorrow. Lovino choked and sobbed into his throbbing arms.

Of course...

He couldn't wait to get rid of a worthless piece of shit like

 _Lovino Vargas..._

* * *

Romulus sighed out and rubbed his eyes before going over to the sink. He threw away the tomato top, that his... per say lazier grandson forgot to throw away. He looked over at the sink and paused when he noticed one of the knives sitting in it.

" Ah..' he whispered and grabbed it, " Feli must have left it out by accident..' he muttered and then put it in the dishwasher.

He closed it and went to go to bed...

But for some reason.

 _He was starting to feel very sick to the stomach.'_


	6. Not Coming Back

_**Ciao!**_

 ** _Just a quick note; If my Spanish is wrong or makes no sense... I am sorry. I'm taking Italian but not Spanish, so please forgive my rough google translate.'_**

* * *

 _ **Chapter 6: Not Coming Back'**_

* * *

Sinking down into the seat of his grandfather sports car Lovino placed on his headphones and closed his eyes. He wrapped his arms around his chest and hoped his hoarse throat didn't make him sound like he was going through puberty all over again.

He was tired.

He barely got any sleep last night and his grandfather got annoyed at him for locking his door. So he was pounding on it really early in the morning... because.. Romulus had work early and he had to drop off Romano. Both of them were not in the best of moods. One was in a rush and the other was in pain and had lack of sleep on his side.

Plus he refused to eat breakfast which just made his brother look at him worried. He didn't need Feli's Pity right now. Weirdly enough could handle any other form of pity... Or at least he wanted to convince himself he could, but Felis pity was the worst. Feli was almost worst then him.. crying all the time and having the responsibility thrown on his friends at school.  
Lovino suddenly stopped his thoughts.

Wrong.. it wasn't Feli's fault he was the way he was. He was just being himself.. Lovino was pretty sure the hypocrite at the moment was himself. He was the one wearing a really hot hoddie... he was the one sweating badly because it was freaking HOT today. His grandfather looked at him like he was crazy for wearing the shirt...

And lovi just simply said, " I hate the freaking cold okay?"

It was true... he did hate the cold- If he was cold that is.  
He sunk down in the seat and waited for them to show up at the house. He had packed at least two weeks worth of clothes. He didn't trust his grandfathers time management. Last time his Nonno dropped him off he stayed for years- what made this time any different?

He was lost in his thoughts until the car stopped and then found themselves in front of the iron gates of Antonio's house...

His large. Mansion of a house.

Lovino wondered how good Tomato farming really was... But then again he probably couldn't even do that so who cared? He sighed.. waited for the gates to swing open- and then almost jumped out of the car before it stopped moving.'

" Lovino!" His grandfather snapped but then swallowed " Be careful would ya?" he grunted and watched as the teen grabbed his larger than life duffle bag, flung it over his shoulder and then shrugged,

"Si. Si..' he whispered.

That was.. strange.

Lovino wasn't putting up a fight at all these days.  
Romulus furrowed his brows in worry before Lovino turned and walked towards the house. He blinked, kind of shocked.

" Bye Lovi! Have fun!" he shouted. Lovino waved over his shoulder in a nonchalant way and then went to the door that was already being slung open by a vigorous Spaniard.

" MIA TOMATO!" He lit up and quickly hugged Lovino. Who just grunted from the pain in his arms and smacked him off.'

" Whatever... Just get off will ya?" He seemed to roll his eyes But Antonio just giggled.'

" Okay, Okay! Welcome! " he smiled, "its been a long time si? I've made Churros and I have video games ready for action, No?!" he practically danced. For Antonio, it was like another sleepover just waiting to happen. But for Romano... It was him moving in for another lifetime. But then again... Antonio was almost more of a father then his bio had been. Which is sad but true.

Given Antonio was only a year older than him.

Spanish Jerk.

" Si.. whatever... Wheres my room?" he arched a brow and Antonio snickered.

" Where is your room always?"

Ah.. the idiot was giving him THAT room? He had that room when he was a child... this guy was a total numbskull. Lovino sighed.. balanced his bag and decided to head back to the room he used to make Antonio clean for a bribe.

Yes.

He was that child.

Lovino sighed and walked back before opening the double doors and flopped his bag on the bed. He inched it open and then placed his Chroea pills on the side table. He took out a few shirts and placed them on the bed and then made sure his phone was on before walking back out. He flopped down by Antonio, grabbed the controller that was thrown at his head and then arched his brow.

" 'Football?"

" Yerp... You can choose the Italian side-'

" Scoot your ass over." He was suddenly enthralled and then stared at the screen. Well... This could at least keep him occupied by now. Plus the smell of churros from the kitchen suddenly brought back a weird feeling in the pit of Lovino's gut.

He remembered being a child and being comforted by Antonio.

He remembered them running through the tomato fields... and he remembered getting lost and crying for hours until Antonio had to go get his parents to find him.

It brought back a lot of childhood memories- but it also brought back a weird sense of hopelessness. When he lived here before he never thought he'd ever see his brother again. He never thought he'd see his Nonno again... It kind of felt that way all over again. The Italian teen slowly shrugged that off, shook his head and then glared at the screen.'

" CLICK START ALREADY!"

" B-But I'm still choosing my colors! ¡Espere!"

" Tsk... Slow Spanish Jerk.'

" Hehe..'

" STOP'A LAUGHING WEIRDO!"

* * *

Feli walked into the house with a pout.

Today was not so great.

Everyone was still talking about the fight between his Fratello and Alfred.. and although Alfred wasn't there a lot of people started asking him questions. Like... Who started it? What happened? Why is your brother gone?... One kinda scared him.

Is he dead yet?

Feli had gone so pale his legs started knocking... and then he felt kind of annoyed that someone was so bold to ask him such a downright, evil question. But Ludwig had corrected them and Kiku just sent one of those stern glares. They shooed them away from him...

And then... The 'Siberian of Russia' Showed his face... The conversation made Feli almost pee himself... But he gave his change of clothes to his brother so he had to hold himself.'

" Your brother has balls da?"

"S-Si...'

" Standing up to Alfred like that. I like him. We make good friend da?"

" S-Si...'

" Good. Nice knowing this.'

He swore he almost killed over and asked Ivan to spare Lovino... Even if Ivan was praising Lovino for standing up to Alfred, he was scary and feli was pretty sure he was too young for a heart attack just yet. He was pretty sure Ivan scared him more then he scared Kiku that one time when they surprised him and took him to a 'Make out' Party.

Ehehe...

No. Bad Feli. Kiku was super uncomfortable!

The teen sighed and walked into the house... His Nonno was at work, and he had gotten a text saying he would be pretty late coming in. It seemed like his Nonno was going through another,  
" Busy bump' At work. It happened here and there...Sometimes he couldn't come home for days.. and when he did they barely saw him. But that was his job and he was good at it. So Feli never got upset.

The boy smiled and grabbed some pasta to prepare, before remembering once again that Lovino was gone. His smile dropped.

He and his brother got back together at fourteen.

He had been so happy to have his family back together in one piece. He had his amazing big brother and his amazing Nonno. And Now Lovino was back at Antonio's ( Although Antonio was loved by all and they never blamed him for anything ) And his Nonno was working pretty hard again.

He sighed and then glanced at his phone.

He could call Ludwig... But if remembered correctly it was family game night with him and Gilbert. And then Kiku was preparing for some Summer festival thing... So... He whined and then looked up towards the stares.

He hated it when it was so quiet.

Feli looked down, bit his lip and then let out a heart-wrenching sigh.

" Oh, I know!... I'll put on some music!" he giggled and then ran to do so. He grabbed his phone, went to the search and then started playing the playlist that he and his friends sat up. Go figure the first song to play was, " Lost one Weeping.'

Feli cringed, not really in the mood for something so... suicidal.. and depressing, But he kept it on anyway.

It was the screamo version after all.'

* * *

After two days of nothing but video games, churros... hot Spanish foods and possible sneaking of some alcohol? Both teens were at the point where boredom was seeping through at the seems.

Which meant they had to harvest tomato's because Antonio thought it was fun.

These were the moments that Romano was sure Antonio was dropped on his head at birth.

But whatever... He was going home tomorrow. So.. Suck that losers.

Or... At least... That's what he was hoping. He had that weird feeling it wasn't so-for it never was- But he kept shoving that off. It was okay... His Nonno could be on his way now... Maybe even to pick him up early.

But...

Why would he when he was...

Lovino shut his eyes and then snapped them back open to redirect his thoughts

He readjusted the basket on his hip and wiped a tanned ar over his forehead. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and he was sure he was going to die of heat stroke. Antonio had asked him if he was crazy ( No, But Romano was pretty sure he was. ) Lovino had waved him off and started picking the tomato's like it was no tomorrow.

Now they were just headed back inside when the phone rang.

" Lo conseguiré!" Antonio giggled and rushed off. Before coming back with the retriever close to his chest.

" Its'a for youuuu Mia Tomato!"

" Just give me the stupido phone you jerk..' Lovino rolled his eyes and took it, " Ciao?" He sighed.

" AH! Lovi!" Romulus boomed on the other side of the phone- And Lovi didn't need to hear the news to feel his heart sink even deeper into his chest. He didn't need to hear the words... he knew where this was going. It had happened before.'

"... Si?" he whispered. Trying to not let his voice croak.

" Have you been good?" Romulus smiled. Lovino grimaced.

"... Si...' He whispered.

" So... I have'a bad news-'

'Here it was...'

" I just gotta news... I have to be early into work again tomorrow, and then Feli has an early day the day after that... is it okay if you stay a'longer?" His voice was smiling.. and he was probably on the phone while driving. which was terrible and his driving was almost as bad as Felis- He was told Felis driving would improve with age... Lovino highly doubted after riding in the car with his Nonno.-

"... Si... " Lovino sighed. Looking away.

Usually, this was normal...

But this time it hurt.

It hurt more than the slap he got from his grandfather.. it hurt more than the bullying. It hurt more than being choked and it hurt more then cuts on his arm. He had always dealt with abandonment... so knowing his grandfather was breaking another promise just left tears building up in the back of his eyes.

It was fine right? He was worthless... it made sense!

No...

No...

It didn't make sense at all...

Lovino swallowed.'

" A-Alright then! I'll see you then! " Romulus smiled through the awkward pause.

"S-Si...' Lovino trailed off.

Last time he said that he didn't come back for weeks.

His heart sunk so low he couldn't FEEL it anymore.

The line went dead...

And Lovino bit his lower lip.

"... Addio Nonno...'

 _'Arrivederci..._ '


	7. Arrivederci

_**Ciao!**_

 _ **Trigger warning Up Ahead! Plus, I have a reason for naming this Chapter Arrivederci. I saw that.. Arrivederci, although yes is a goodbye. It is also a farewell. That is why I used this word. I could be wrong but the meaning made me think, ' OH! That would be a great Title!' So here you are.'**_

 _ **Author**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 7: Arrivederci~**_

* * *

He had gone quiet again...The next day he hardly said anything. How could he? He was.. complicating things in his mind. He was thinking... But the more he thought.. the worse things got.

 _'Stop cussing us out loser!'_

 _'He's just a troublemaker- Just ignore him.'_

 _'God... He's pretty loud...'_

 _'He's not like his brother. Kinda mean if ya ask me.'_

 _'Nonno? Are you coming back?'_

 _'Why can't you just do things like your brother, eh?'_

He stared at the opposite wall with a dead look in his eyes... Because he wasn't... Feli. He wasn't feli. He couldn't help that he was loud, he expressed himself differently, school was difficult for him, he was clumsy... He was second best. No... he wasn't even that. He was never chosen.

That's how it always had been.

He rolled on his back and stared at the ceiling... His arms hurt. Maybe because he put pressure on them and let his sweat mix with them all day. He clamped his eyes shut and listened to the crickets outside his window. Antonio was already in bed... and so was everyone else that lived here.

Just ignore him? What did he do?

Loud?... well. He didn't mean to be...

Of course, he wasn't like his brother- just because they were twins didn't mean that acted alike.

That was all the thoughts that swirled around his head... His grandfather had work today, and if he remembered correctly. Feli had an art award ceremony tomorrow. Ah. That was right. He was supposed to go back to school today, but his grandfather had him stay here... he was surprised his Nonno didn't get any calls about him ditching.

Or he did and he was waiting for the right opportunity to yell at him.

He swallowed the bile rising up in his throat before sitting up in a sluggish way.

... Why was he even here?

Why was he even doing all of this? Why was he failing grades? Why was he being picked on? Why was he worthless?... He was worthless.. because...

Because he was still here. Wasting space.

His eyes widened as he stared at the floor. His breath got shaky.

Ah... that was right. He was worthless. If he had no worth... it didn't matter. Everyone hated him, and at this point, he was starting to understand why. People made fun of him... the only friend he had was Antonio and he didn't even see what was wrong with him. His Nonno didn't see it either... In fact, the main center of his Nonno's attention had always been Feli.  
Feli should have been the only child his mother had...

He...

He wished...

He wished he was born stillborn. That way.. he would have been born... But he wouldn't have had to go through all the hell this world had made him feel. He was worthless... He couldn't even stop crying when the sudden thought flooded through his head.

 _Pathetic._

 _Worthless._

 _Crap._

 _Nobody._

 _Loser._

 _Troublemaker._

He suddenly brought the back of his wrist up to his eyes and sobbed out... Tears streamed down his face, mixing with his messy hair and making wet streaks on his olive skin. He shivered over and over again at that moment.

No...

He couldn't be all of those things if he wasn't even there!

He couldn't be a bother if he wasn't even there! He wouldn't be worthless anymore... He wouldn't be unwanted...

He wouldn't be unloved... because if he wasn't there he wouldn't NEED to be loved. Because there would be nothing there to love anymore. Feli could have it all... he didn't care.

He was just done...

He was.. SO... done.

Lovino shivered and rubbed his eyes vigorously. He got up and snuck out of his bedroom before going to Antonio's old collection room. In there was the place of nightmares.. from old Spanish weapons to just weird trinkets that you could find on sidewalks outside. He swore.. sometimes he wanted to call Antonio a hoarder.

He walked into the moonlit room and slowly made his way over to a case. A case that Antion had pointed out many times as special and yadda, yadda... He lifted the lid and found a few knives.

His hands shook.

Tear's streamed down his face.

He grabbed one of the knives and slipped it in his pocket.

There was still one thing he needed to do.'

* * *

Feli glanced at the wall clock with a look of exhaustion.

He was supposed to get up at eight to get ready for his ceremony, but he got a weird call from his Fratello at seven... SEVEN. Lovino never got up this early. He hoped he wasn't in Antonio's wine cabinet again.. Nonno would be so pissed. Not because of the alcohol. But because he wasn't there to record it.

" Fratello?... what are you'a doing up?" Feli yawned. He wasn't upset by the call though... he was kind of hoping Lovino would call. He was his big brother after all and he didn't see him at school the previous day.

He was worried that maybe Lovi was just ditching, and maybe getting himself in trouble again, But he then had to tell himself to put more trust in his Fratello. So he kinda just figured Lovino was in the Tomato fields with Antonio.

"... I... I hearda... You have an... award coming up today...' Lovino whispered and dragged out slowly.

He had to talk to Feli...

Just... Just one last damn time.

Even if his brother probably wanted to talk to Ludwig or Kiku... Even if his brother could find nothing good to say about him. He had to talk to his brother at least this one last time... After all. If it was Feli. He'd understand if he didn't get the call. He didn't deserve a call... Feli did.

" Si... My painting from the art fair gotta first place.'

" Nothing short of you ah?"

Feli paused suddenly.

Did... His Fratello just... compliment him? He suddenly sat up all the way and adjusted his phone to his ear. His heart rate skipped a beat- mostly due to the worry that was suddenly coating the walls of the house.

" L-Lovino?...' he trailed off, " Are you'a... okay?" He swallowed. Holding his breath for an answer.  
Any answer.. please...

"... Of course Ima fine. What do you take me for?" Lovino snarled. But something was behind it. Something that Feli couldn't understand...

" I should'a get off...' Lovino suddenly muttered. he was looking at his shoes at this point... tears shimmering in his hazel eyes.

" Goodbye.." he muttered.

Feli paused and then nodded, before remembering he was on the phone, " Si... S-See you later fratello..' he forced a smile out into the empty room.

The line went dead.

And noticed how something wet slipped from his eyes, down to his chest. His voice wavered.. his eyes filled with tears. And he started to cry...

And he didn't even know why...

* * *

Lovino placed the phone on its receiver... Looked down at his shoes and shivered.

It was okay. No one wanted him anyway... he wasn't even invited to his brother award ceremony. Even if he was in the art class too... No one really liked him. From putting water in his shoes to weird items that smelled in his locker..From finding some homework that was soaked in milk to having perfume poured on his head. To coming home and letting his grandfather see his failing grades.. his bad temper.. his attitude.

It was okay now though...

He was unwanted.

And if they didn't want him... what was the point anymore? What was the point in trying to show the world anything? He wasn't wanted... at all. Every girl chose his Fratello. His grandfather did as well. He wasn't as smart... he had Chorea...

Lovino swallowed the bile rising up in his stomach.

" Hola!... Romano?" Antonio walked in and blinked, " Where are you going?"

Lovino sighed out and then glanced over his shoulder,

" Just taking a walk bastard... Be back later.' He rolled his eyes and Antonio paused. His eyes wavered with uncertainty... before he smiled- although forced- and chuckled.'

" Okay! see you later!" he waved and smiled wearily.

* * *

 _' See... My parents were expecting a bambino. ONE... bambino. Mama and Papa were'a so happy. They had everything ready. The bed, the changers, the diapers, the clothes, the stuffed animals and even a weirdo maid outfit for my Fratello.'_

 _And then Mama had her babies._

 _And she got two._

 _Papa and Mana were shocked... And yet they said, ' We were blessed with another one!' Mama was so happy to give Papa two bambini. And they were happy... Too bad that happiness didn't last long enough huh? Mama and Papa both got hurt really badly in a car wreck. Mama died right away- and when Papa heard that the love of his life passed? He too didn't want to live.. so he died two days later._

 _We were sent to grandfather. Nonno was going through a lot, call it a mid-life crisis if you will. He was always with the ladies, or drinking or driving his fancy cars. He was happy.. and then he got too bambini. Both three years old, and both with no realization of who their parents were. Nonno was already upset over the loss of his child... He was even more shocked when he found out that both of his grandsons had striking resemblances to himself._

 _He sent Feli to our Cousin in Austria... I was left with Antonio. I was three. Antonio was a hyper four year old. Later... I found out that grandpa picked Feli back up not too long after that- And started teaching him a lot of things about life. I know because he'd visit with fratello.. and as feli giggled and danced and sat on grandpa's lap... I would only sit there and wonder what it was like._

 _I wanted to be with my Fratello and grandfather as well._

 _But... things are not what they seem, and you don't always get what you deeply wish for. I worked hard in the fields with Antonio..We grew up together. Although Antonio had to deal with his father and mother getting divorced ( His mother was from our side of the family ) And so he took up a very fatherly roll in the family. He became like a father... One that always made sure I was okay._

 _And yet I was always looking over the fence wondering when my Nonno's fancy red car would pull in and take me away._

 _It was only by the time I was fourteen that my dream came true... I was so .. happy. Happy to the point of tears and to the point I didn't want my grandfather to think I was weak because of them. I remember sitting in that car and listening to my brother yack to me the whole way there... and although it gave me a headache. I was so happy._

 _But..._

 _That happiness didn't last long._

 _I knew from the start I wasn't like my Fratello. My childhood was full of insecurities. I couldn't draw... My brother could draw portraits... and I would draw swirls of colors that some doctors said was an outlet for my anger. I tried playing Violin... But... it came out with more of a fiddle like tune. I couldn't play smoothly like my brother. Cooking was harder but I actually enjoyed that one. But my brother was still better. And each time I got praised... Feli got lifted on a pedastool._

 _I never hated him for it._

 _I just took it as my little brother getting the love he deserved... And now... I think back to the times where we argued. Or I caused a fight or ruined a surprise... Or even made my brother cry. And it makes me realize how much better it would have been if my grandfather's car had never pulled up and taken me._

 _How much better it would have been if grandfather didn't have to take in two kids and give two kids away. How much better and much more painless it would have been if Mama wasn't happy about two Bambini... and How much better it would have been if feli really was the only one to be born._

 _How much better would it have been?_

 _They were tired of dealing with me; which was fine because I was tired of dealing with myself. I don't know if Mama truly loved me... I don't know if Papa cuddling me in his arms when I was born. I don't know if feli was given more attention or if we were loved Equally... But that was okay. It didn't matter now._

 _The only one up I had on my brother was this._

 _I was going to get to see Mama and Papa sooner then him.'_

* * *

 _Lovino sat on a hill just outside of the housing areas._

It was at this hill that he and Feli would run around on weekend visits. It was on this hill that grandfather Romulus taught Feli art, and tried to help Lovino out of his artist bubble ( Failing of course ) It was at this hill that Romano and Feli had their first fight. ( which was so rare it was almost like seeing pigs fly. ) It was at this hill that Romano was once again left alone.

Over.. and over and over again.

The teen swallowed the bile in his throat and then glanced up at the clouds. Tears streamed down his cheeks... Why had he not thought of this sooner? Why had he not thought of leaving all of this behind sooner? Whenever he went he saw nothing but pain and misery. Whenever he went he felt nothing but rejection...

Lovino bit his quivering lip and then with a shaky hand pulled out the blade that he had taken from Antonios collection... he watched it glint in the sunlight. He tilted it just so... watching it shimmer. It was kinda sharp.. which was what he needed he guessed.

He was doing everyone a favor.

Everyone at school...

His Nonno.

He was going to people that... maybe loved him for him.

Maybe.

Romano let out a shaky breath before lifting up both his sleeves. Hot tears spilled down his face... He angled his wrist. And then slit. He cut a bit... testing to see how it felt. He didn't go too deep at first... he just cut to see the blood run down his arm...Then, after experimenting with the pain...

The Italian boy clamped his eyes shut... Took the tip of the blade and inserted it where his wrist attached to his hand.

He instantly knew it was deep due to the shocking pain that ranked his hand. He yelped, and then slowly dragged the blade down.

Making a two-inch long slit up his arm.

He pulled the knife away and opened his eyes, only to go dizzy from seeing the bloody mess before him. The blood was a darker red than normal... it wasn't drizzling like before. It was starting to seep out rather quickly. He probably.. most likely... cut a vein. Lovino squeezed his eyes shut and noticed the white dots forming because of the pain.

It was either this or overdosing on his Chorea pills. But he heard your body can be ranked with spasms sometimes if you take too much medicine.. and he really didn't want to have foam coming out of his mouth on his last breathes. Sure, blood was no better.. but. It seemed to fit him- or at least that's what he liked to believe.

Lovino shivered. Suddenly colder then he thought he'd be- and then he decided to lay back... he laid back and stretched his arms out beside him. He stared up at the pale blue sky as his tears drizzled onto the grass underneath his head.

He soon felt something hot and warm puddling close to his ear and shoulder.

He knew what it was...

And suddenly the clear blue that he had some how grown to love in his last moments.. turned to white.. and then black.

Lovino lost consiouness.'

* * *

When you miss your award ceremony because your so worried about your brother?

You know something is wrong... and that's what Feli felt when he stopped crying... pulled on his jacket and rushed over to Antonios without a second notice.

He didn't know why... But he felt uneasiness wash over him the moment his brother called. He felt uneasiness the moment his brother said goodbye... The moment that longing in his voice left and was only replaced by trembling.

Feli had to come.

His award ceremony started in twenty minutes. His grandfather was probably already there, and for once in Feli's life... He didn't give a damn. Instead, he knocked harshly on Antonio's door and kept muttering over and over again in Italian.

And right before he started spazzing out- And hitting the door with such force that Antonio would think someone was about to Murder him- The door came open and Feli's hand almost collided with the Spanish boys face.'

" OH! Feli! what are you doing here? Coming for Lovi?" He smiled, Although something seemed to be up... especially when he smiled brightly, " He's not here.. he just set out for a walk. He was acting kinda funny though...' He trailed off but then lit up, " Want to come in-'

Feli took in a sharp inhale.

" Went for a walk?" he squeaked.. hands trembling. Panic rode up into his stomach and nearly poured out. Oh god. Oh God.. OH GOD.. Lovino only walked when he HAD somewhere to go!

Lovino HATED walking around. He loved staying at home and spending time with people he would actually open up too. Not going out and walking ALONE, " D-Didn't you find that a bit odd!?" He suddenly lost his cheerful tone.

Antonio suddenly nodded.

" Si... Actually..' he trailed off, " I wanted to follow him... but... He didn't seem to be in the mood to be stalked like when he was younger... The Turkish boy used to pick on him a lot-'

" I know.' Feli interrupted," I took care of that.' he narrowed his eyes.

The Spanish boy shivered.

Oh yeah..he remembered that... he also remembered being threatened to never say anything about it ever again... AHAHA... Oops.

" W-Well... I mean... I don't know where he is.." he squeaked, pulling at his shirt collar. Feli suddenly whined. Looking around with a frantic terror. Where on earth could he be? If he wasn't here then the only place Feli could really think about was that little spot in the park their Nonno used to take them.

Romano had gone there before on the anniversary of their parent's death, and Nonno had carried him home because he had gotten a bad fever. Feli remembered that... walking beside the tall man he looked up too and seeing the brother he looked up too coughing and shaking in pain.

He winced and then looked up at Antonio quicky,

" We'a have to find him!" he shook the boy's shoulders and then shivered, " I can only think of one place... You check for him around the grounds!" he nodded sharply and ran off.

Maybe he was overthinking everything.. But he really didn't think he was.

The look on his brothers face at dinner... the way his brother wearily called him that morning. The way his brother was getting quieter and quieter as the days went on. The looks on agony, the hard times at school.. and what did he do as a brother? He sat back and winced at it all! Feli felt emotions build up in his chest, overriding with panic.

He quickly made his way to the park.. which was a good ten-minute walk.. and a five-minute run.

Thank goodness he and Fratello were really fast runners.'

He turned the corner and dashed through the park. His lungs burned with panic.. tears threatened to spill. he was about to have one of those panic attacks that only he was known for. He was almost ready to call Ludwig and freak out to him... or Kiku... But first.

He had to find his brother.

He came up on the hill and ran, ignoring how the laces of his shoes dragged because he put them on so fast. Ignoring how his jacket seemed to drag him down because it wasn't all the way on his shoulders.

He got closer and closer to the side of the hill... he stopped to breathe at the corner. Only to gag and place a hand over his mouth.

Ugh.

This place smelled so terrible...

The smell gave off a sticky feel. It was strong... It smelled.. kinda... like.. Iron? Yeah. Iron was the word he was looking for. The smell was so strong he could taste it... What was this taste?... Feli paused in his thoughts.

It tasted like when you bite your lip too hard and your lip starts to bleed.

Yeah.

It tasted like Blood.'

Feli's eyes went wide with shock... He inched forwards, suddenly.. for some reason freaked out by what laid beyond the smell.

And then he saw Dark auburn hair.

A pale olive skin.

" Oh, Fratello!. You'a scared me!" he laughed awkwardly and approached his brother who was so peacefully laying on the grass... He forced a smile- for part of him was happy to see his brother and another part was still confused by the nasty smell.

Until his shoe stepped in something.

Feli paused and lifted his foot... Weird... That was kinda sticky. Not mud right? No. They were in a dry spell. He looked down...

Only then did his breath leave him.

Red.

Sticky...

Blood.

Lots and lots of blood.

His breath stopped in his throat... shaking eyes slowly rose to look at his brother.

He was just laying there.. silent. His chest was hardly moving.

And his arm...

Oh god, his arm.

Feli's hand threw to his mouth. He stifled a scream as he ignored the blood and ushed over to his older brother. He got down on his knees and quickly looked at his brothers face. His eyes were closed... his breathing was hardly there. His shirt was soaked... and besides him sat a golden handled blade.

No.

No...

NO. NO. NO!

" R-Romano?" He yelped and pushed on his brother's shoulders. Nothing, " L-Lovi?" he squeaked. The panic was there.. it was certainly taking over again, " ... L-LOVINO!?" He cried out, now shaking his brother's shoulders.

No.. No.. NO!

Why!? WHY!? Why would he do this!? Why!? Tears started to pour out of Feli's eyes. His hands shook uncontrollably.. and he quickly reached for his pockets. No.. His phone. Where was his DAMN phone!? He patted everywhere, not caring if he got blood all over his pastel shirt and light jeans.

He quickly started checking Lovinos pockets.

He found a blood-covered cell, opened it... ignoring the blood that nearly stuck it together.. and Dialed 911.' It rang and rang.. Until picking up.'

"911, Whats your emergency?"

" S-Si!... Please... Y-You gotta help me!" he shivered. He sounded like an emotional wreck, but who wouldn't!? He was terrified! He gulped down a breath of air and then looked up at the sky so that his mind was taken off of the scene before him, "It's'a my fratello. I think... I think he tried to kill himself..' He gasped out.'

Oh... God...

The words hurt so much to say them out loud.'

" Where is your location?"

" The park... On the curve side... O-On Hetalian Street!" he choked, a sob suddenly left his mouth. He placed a blood-covered hand over it... he had to be strong for once. He had to be... He...

H-He had to be!

Tears spilled over his cheeks.

" We're on our way. Sit tight.'

The line went dead...

Feli choked and quickly looked at his brother. He started pressed his shirt down on his brother's arm. Hot blood seeped in, and quickly filled the pastel cloth. It was like a puddle of the sticky stuff. Feli resisted the urge to gag and then quickly kept pressing down. He tried to hold the skin together.. so nothing would pour out. He was trying.. He was trying.

He quickly placed a knee on his brother's arm to keep the pressure on, and then with blood covered fingers dialed his Nonno.

One ring...Two..

" Lovino?'

" N-Nonno!"

Silence.. a pause, "Feli?... What are you doing with your brother's phone? Your voice is shaking...'

" L-Lovino is bleeding!'

" ... What?"

" LOVINO IS BLEEDING DAMMIT!" He lost it... after all this time of being the cool, collected and cheerful twin. He had freaking lost it.

" What are you talking about? Bleeding? Feli?"

" T-There's a slit in his damn arm! It's so big... He's bleeding... Oh god...' he trembled, running his hands through his hair as he supported the phone with his shoulders, " J-Just... Get off work and get over to the closest hospital to Antonio's house... " he choked.

"W-What...'

Romulus paled. His co-workers were looking at him annoying... he had to admit he was annoyed when he got the call. But he also had that weird.. sinking feeling. He told the boys not to call him at work unless it was an emergency. So when he answered the phone and heard Feli is panic mode... he went on high alert.

And then he said slit...

And Hosptial.

And Lovino.

" F-Fratello is bleeding, I can't explain! The Paramedics are here!.. " feli suddenly rushed.'

"W-Wait. Feli-'

" Just get your ass down here Nonno!"

The line went dead.

 _And he quickly stood up to leave._


	8. Depression-Suicide

_**Ciao!**_

 _ **Just another forewarning, I used Google Translate. 'Awkward laughter'**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 8: Depression~Suicide'**_

* * *

When Romulus rushed into the hospital his stomach turned when he saw Feli pacing back and forth in the waiting room... Sobbing... Crying to a Ludwig that was now sitting there with a shocked expression of his own. Kiku was trying to get Feli to sit down.

Only to get snapped at.

Antonio was there... He looked just as messed up as the rest.

Guilt played on his features, his breathing was shaky...

What made his stomach turn more was that feli was covered in blood from head to two... His hands, his shirt. His jeans, his shoes.. his hair. It was like he bathed in it... or possibly tried to stop it when he knew he had too.'

" G-Grandfather!"

He was snapped out of his trance.

" F-Felli!" he rushed over and looked at the boy, stopping his hung only because of the blood, " What happened!? Is there any news yet!?" His voice was trembling. Feli suddenly choked... his tears spilled over, making the blood come off a bit.

" T-There is nothing yet... A-All I got what that he needed a bl-blood transfusion.' he suddenly sobbed, " It was so bad... I-I'ma sorry. About earlier. I was just so... So Scared..' he suddenly cried, burying his face in his hands. Kiku patted his back, but he too looked complicated.

He glanced at Antonio.

"Do... You know anything?" he whispered. He didn't want to be tugging at these kids... But gosh dangit! Lovino was HIS grandson! He just wanted to know! He just... He just wanted to know if he was okay! He had to admit.. he hadn't been going that easy on him... But he was just as equally worried. He had been acting weird lately...But...

But.

" Mi Cuchillo...él usó mi cuchillo.' His voice cracked.  
Romulus didn't get Spanish so he felt utterly lost at the moment.

" What did the doctor say?" He glanced at ludwig.. who.. although shocked, seemed to have his head on, unlike the others.

" He said zhat he'd let us know... But... " he trailed off. With a complicated look, " I didn't zee him. But... Feli...' he glanced at his friend. His eyes danced down his blood-covered body... He looked like he had seen better days. And Feli looked beyond consolable.

He had finally gotten his family back together. And Now it was falling apart at the seams itself.

And He felt like part of it was his fault entirely.

Feli sobbed into his hands... Shivering. Choking. He just stood there... loudly crying and getting looks from people. Most of them were worried and sympathetic. After all.. he was covered in blood.. they probably thought someone died and he was trying to figure out how to handle it.

But Romulus didn't want to think about that... he didn't want to think about Lovino dying. He had Lovino sense he was fourteen. It wasn't his choice to get him that late... Legal systems sucked. He had feli most of his years... He only missed four of them. But... missed eleven of them. He missed eleven years with the children that... he considered his own.

His child was taken from him so early...

And when he got both of his grandsons.. he was so happy.  
Of course, legal systems had to come into play and it was harder to get Lovi then it was Feli. As weird as that sounds.. its true.

But once he got them... Oh how much he loved them. How much he wanted to tuck them in at night and read to them. To teach them traditional Italian songs... to speak the language perfectly. To dance, to laugh. To cook.. to clean. He didn't CARE is Lovino had a hard time with those things...

Lovino always tried his hardest.

His determination was something Romulus always loved.  
And Now...

Now.

His body was suddenly wracked with the fact that Romano might not make it.. that Feli was covered in Romano's blood. That.. he was standing in the hospital and everything was in slow motion... that .. Lovino lost so much blood that he needed a transfusion.

That... he might not ever talk to him again and he left him at Antonio's far too long.

The man felt his lips quiver.

Oh god...

Please...

* * *

Feli sat by his nonno...

His ears were ringing.

Ludwig, Kiku, Gilbert, Francis ( Both showing up to help Antonio ) And Antonio all went to the cafeteria to get them something to snack on.

But for once ... the foody that Feli was? He wasn't hungry. In fact, he felt like he'd puke if he even got near anything that pertained to food. He just sat there in the white hallway with his grandfather.

His head was against the wall, as his Nonno sat slouched forwards.. Staring ahead. His cheeks were wet. which meant he was just as terrified as Feli felt on the inside. In fact, feli had cried so much that he felt cried out. Three Hours.  
It had been three hours and yet it felt so long ago that feli wondered if he was having an out of body experience at the moment.

His pastel shirt had hardened and he had smelled like Iron. His jeans caked up and his shoes smelled... His hair stuck up in a random place... and a kind Male nurse offered him a change of scrubs and one of the patient showers. He took it... and as the water ran down his body he could merely stare forward with his head pressed against the tile.

Wondering why the hell he was even there.

He KNEW what it looked like... he knew what it seemed to be.  
But was it really that? And it if was... Why? Why would he brother... His Fratello... Why would he..K-Kill... H-Him-

Feli clamped his eyes closed, not wanting to open them. Why was it that every time he opened his eyes he saw something terrifying? Something that scared him in the back of his mind? Something that stayed with him when he even closed his eyes.  
His brother laying on that hill. Blood surrounding him. Closed eyes, pale face, Slit open arm... So slit open that you could see the muscling moving. The blood pumping. He shivered and tried not to gag.

He squirmed from being uncomfortable and his Nonno glanced down at the hall with a worried expression.

Three hours.

And nothing was said to them about Lovino.

"... Feli...'

"... Si?" he whispered, his voice croaked.

"... I'm... So Sorry...' His Nonno whispered and looked down, covering his face with his hands, " I'm so sorry... I'm So Sorry you had to see that... I-I'm so sorry.' he choked.

Now...

His Nonno was a very strong man. So Feli was abit taken aback when his grandfather's shoulders shook ever so slightly.  
His eyes widened.

" ... D-Do you think... Lo-Lovi-'

" I... I don't know... I don't know." he whispered and swallowed.  
They sat in silence for what seemed like ten more minutes before a doctor walked up to them. Romulus was the first on his feet.. Until the doctor motioned for them to sit down. Feli almost stumbled.

Oh god, please...

Please.

" Please.. sit down..' The doctor smiled wearily. He looked just as tired as they did, and he wearing gear. A mask, that was pulled down under his chin. Booties on his shoes and a surgeons cloak,

" You might need to sit down for what I have to say...'

" J-Just say it...' Romulus nearly sobbed.

The doctor smiled weakly, " I'm not going to say what you think... I assure you." he whispered, " Lovino Vargas made it through surgery." He nodded as if to make sure they were on the same page. Romulus suddenly looked at him shocked.  
OH... YES!

" But...' he muttered, " he did lose a lot of blood. We had to do a transfusion. His body accepted it just fine.' he muttered, " But, Just because he's okay physically, doesn't mean mentally that he's stable enough to be wrote down as okay.' He adjusted in his seat, " I hate.. to tell you guys this... But Mr. Lovino Vargas tried to kill himself.." he whispered.

Romulus went silent.

His eyes wide.. his breath fragile.

Feli whimpered, covering his hand over his mouth. SO... He was right. His Fratello. Did... Try... to... He suddenly choked on a sob. He wanted to run out of the area just to calm himself down. But he couldn't.'

"Do... You... As a parent, know anything that could have driven him to do this?" he whispered. Romulus found himself shaking his head.

"No.. Yes... Maybe... " he looked down, " I'm not sure..' He gasped out... the man smiled wearily.'

"It's okay. I don't want to ask too much.' He stood up, "It's going to take a bit for him to heal. You see he slit his wrist. But also came close to messing up a tendon. He's going to be in a lot of pain. He went down with the cut... which means he was possibly... going for the suicidal method. It was very deep... If this lad here had not of put pressure on it, Mr. Vargas would not be here right now." he whispered gently, " He's in a special room... And will be on suicide watch for at least two weeks before he can be released... Is.. there any questions?"

" Yes..' Romulus whispered, " When can I see my grandson?"

" Come right this way...'

* * *

The room was so cold... So white.. So Barren.

He guessed that's what it was supposed to look like in a Suicide watch room.

Feli rubbed his arms. His wet hair stuck to his forehead as the door was pushed open. He heard the heart monitor before he saw his brother. He smelled the medicines and antiseptics before he saw his brother...

His Nonno walked in first... And He nearly ran into the mans back when he stopped walking and looked at the lad hooked up to the monitor... There was a clasp on the tip of his good finger.

His bad arm was wrapped up tight, he had an IV in his good arm. And he had those annoying breathing tubes that doctors stick up your nose when they go to slice and dice you.

He was wearing white.. and his hair was still matted with blood. Of course, it was. They didn't have time to clean him, not with all the stuff that had been going on. Romulus would have to thank the whole staff for helping him.

For saving his little bambino.

"... Lovino?" Feli's voice filled the air... But got no answer. The doctor looked up from the IV bag and smiled gently.

" He might not wake for a couple of more hours... He's on high dosage pain medicine." He smiled faintly, " But I'm sure he can hear you if you speak loud enough." He smiled, nodded towards them and left the room.

Romulus stared for what seemed like forever.

It was.. times like this that... Bad grades didn't matter. Getting into fights didn't matter. His fighting with romano constantly didn't matter.. what mattered was that Lovino was hooked up to so many machines he could barely think. What mattered was that Lovino tried to kill himself. He tried to leave them...

He suddenly walked over to the chair and sat down... looking at the boy, and then with shaky hands taking his fragile hand and kissing each finger. Tears welled up in his eyes before the older man buried his face against Lovinos good arm and started to let his heart take control. He sobbed. If he had ever felt a failure as a Nonno or a father.. it was now. Feli watched as his heart crumbled.

And he stood behind his Nonno and squeezed his shoulder...  
But he didn't take his oak brown eyes off of his brother... He wanted him to wake up. So that he could know why. And If Lovino wouldn't tell them.

Then fine Dammit.

Then.. he'd be the best damn brother Lovino Vargas ever had.

Because... he wasn't going to let his family be separated again.

Death already took their Mama and Papa away...

He didnt want it to take his Nonno and Fratello away as well.'

* * *

In... Out... In Out...

His chest felt heavy. His heart hurt. He could barely breathe... His arm was throbbing. Almost as if there was poison on it or something. His body was heavy... his eyelids refused to open.

Was he... Ya know? Caput?... Gone with the wind?...

Was he dead?

He expected it to be brighter. He was always taught it was brighter.. Where were his Mama and Papa?... Hell... Where was he? His body was still screaming in pain. He could barely breathe. He wanted to panic and yet something was holding him back from doing so.

What was that constant beeping noise?

It was pissing him off.

Made his head hurt.

He was pretty sure when you died pain was supposed to go away... But maybe he was wrong because he was new to this whole thing. Lovino shivered from how cold he was. And some parts of his body felt sticky. It was gross... His hair felt dirty, his arms felt constrained. One felt like.. something was wrapped tightly around it. The other? it felt like someone was holding it... clinging to it.

He tried to speak... But his throat made not a sound. Was this one of those weird.. outta body experiences? Oh god please no... he couldn't handle one of those. It was weird, and he was pretty sure that he chose death, Not limbo. He swallowed and noticed a nasty taste in the back of his throat. It tasted like medicine...

It was too dark...

And something was holding his hand once again... Giving it a squeeze here or there. He could of swore he heard his name. But maybe he was just imagining things. Can a dead person imagine something?

Suddenly the heaviness lifted... He breathed out rapidly. The beeping was getting louder... It was so damn annoying...

He groaned..

His fingers twitched. Sending bolts of pain up and down his arm like little lightening demons, poking him with pitchforks. He hissed... but was so sleepy and groggy that he could barely get out a sound...

And then his eyes slowly started to peel open.

And all he saw was white...

A white area.. with white tile and the strong smell of cleaning supplies. He felt so heavy again... his eyes only held open for an inch as they adjusted to the color change. He twitched his fingers again and then sighed out loudly.

And then he realized.

There was no way in hell he was dead.

Not when all he felt was the restraint of tubes and wires. All he heard was the beeping of heart monitors. Tears suddenly formed in his eyes. His lips quickly trembled. He yanked his hand out of the grasp of... Whatever was holding it down...  
And then he covered his eyes with the back of his hand and sobbed.

He failed...

Why...

 _Why?_


	9. WHY?

_**Chapter 9: WHY~?**_

* * *

It had been a few hours and listening to the monitor beep over and over again in his ears. He had been standing for what seemed like forever; His Nonno got a call from the award ceremony, wondering where he was...

 _Family emergency._

That's all they could mutter over the line.

Feli stood there with wide eyes. Looking at his brother and wondering what type of emotions he was feeling at that very moment. All he could have was that his stomach was churning, his mind was swimming and yet he couldn't think. Antiseptic made him sick...

Visiting hours had ended two hours ago and Ludwig and the rest had gone home. Even Antonio after a lot of persuasions

He and his Nonno were allowed to stay because they were close intermediate family... His Nonno told him to sleep on the couch... But it was stiff and hard, But Feli had come to wonder in the depths of his mind if that was really the reason he didn't want to sleep.

He wanted Romano to open his eyes...

He wanted to forget all the hot, sticky blood that had soaked into his clothes... that had soaked into his leg.

The leg he used to press on Romano's arm as he tried to dial his Nonno's phone number with shaking, numb fingers. He wanted to rub his skin over and over again to get the feeling to go away.

Soap didn't help. Neither did hot water...

Feli shuddered and stared at his brother once more...

Lovino was so pale it wasn't even funny.

His tan olive skin was pasty, his eyes were closed. His thin but muscular arm was wrapped in a bandage. A bandage that was probably hiding stitches. The cut had been so deep that even Feli was unsure of what to do. They were told about depression and Suicide in Highschool- but none of that ever truly prepared you for the real thing. It never prepared you for the agony filled eyes... the blood, the tears. The heartbreak if the person didn't survive.

He balled up his fists and swallowed.

" Feli?"

His eyes snapped away from his brother and met his Nonno's.

" You okay?" he whispered.

His grandfather looked so tired. He looked like death worn over... he looked so guilty... And Feli couldn't help but wonder if his face looked that way too. Did he look guilty? Did he look like that? He wouldn't have been ashamed if he looked that way...

But there were so many emotions on the inside that he didn't know what he was feeling. All he knew was that his twin.. his slightly older brother ( Even if it was by five minutes ) Was sleeping because of what he did to himself.

Ludwig had to calm him down...

Because after he saw Romano like this he had to leave the room again. He was shaking... he had usually cried about weird things. The rough exterior of a cats tongue.. skipping lunch breaks.. everything, But he had never gotten to the point where he was shaking so badly that he couldn't even grasp a door handle.

Maybe it was shock from finding his brother on the brink of death.

Or maybe it was the guilt that he had done nothing about it.

He cried so hard as Ludwig looked at him.. Unsure of what to do... Of what to say. All he could do was offer a warm hug, and hope that it calmed down the young Italian boy. It didn't... But it was worth the try. Feli loved to smile... It was like a medicine that you smeared on; even if you felt like Shit.

But there was NOTHING to smile about right now.

The brother that his grandfather always mentioned to him- the brother he used to visit on weekends- Was now attached to so many tubes he couldn't count. The brother he had always wanted to be a family with? Was recovering from something he would have never thought would have come from Lovino.

Suicide.

His brother was trying to leave... For good.

His heart nearly fell, and he forced a smile as he glanced at his grandfather.

" Ima fine... But Nonno... You'a need sleep... I can do'a the watch?"

His grandfather sighed and rubbed his eyes, " Feli Vargas... Drop it.'

Feli's smile crumbled.

" I'ma fine.. seriously..." he whispered and then looked back at Romano, " I Just don't know what to think... If I had not... gone to Antonio's because of that phone call...' He suddenly swallowed, " Romano could have been found hours later... Gone... Dead." His fist clenched. he almost willed himself to slap his cheeks and smile again.

" Feli... " Romulus whispered and then looked at him, " It didn't happen that way, so please don't think that... Heck. Don't even say it." he looked at Romano, a weary.. complicated look on his face, " I'm just as worried but blaming yourself is not gonna help.' he sighed... and then stood up. He walked by his grandson, placing a hand on Feli's head and ruffling his hair.

" Want'a something to drink?"

"... No'a... I'ma fine.' Feli gave him a quick smile... And then looked back at his brother. Romulus nodded and walked out...Leaving Feli to look at Lovino. He swallowed... and then walked over to the seat his grandfather was just sitting in and took it.

He sat down and looked at Lovino.'

Eyes glossed over.

"... You'a scared me..." he whispered, folding his hands and then looking at the floor, " You'a scared me... Who's the bastard now eh?" He swallowed the bile, and then glanced at Lovino, " ... I'ma sorry... I'm not. blaming you- I... God.' he looked back at the floor. A complicated look spreading across it.

" Dammit, big brother...'

 _'Dammit.'_

* * *

The clicking of the vending machine filled the air... The pounding of the drink sliding out of its compartment and then hitting the metal bottom. A gruff hand reaching in and grabbing it.

The spritz of the lid being turned.

Romulus took a sip but did not let his eyes leave what was in front of him. It looked like he was staring at some half off pretzels, but in all actuality, his mind was everywhere but there. He went to work... planning on going to Feli's ark awards that morning; and now he was in the hospital because his grandson tied to kill himself.

And on that hill too.

He clamped his tired eyes closed.

Every muscle he had was cramping from sitting in a chair for so long. He had to move... stretch... Something. Something to get his mind off of what was waiting in that room... To get his mind off of the child that he saw as his own- half dead in the other room. So he got a nasty green tea, took a large swig and then nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone rang.

He took it out and flipped it open.

" ... Si?" he whispered.

Whispered.

" ... I see... Vhat Ludwig said was true then?" A gruff voice sounded on the other side of the phone. Romulus sighed... he figured it'd be him.

" Ciao Gerhart ( I looked everywhere for a name for Germania... I decided on this one. ) ... Si... It... is... true..." he whispered and then trailed off. he rubbed his eyes to get rid of the stress, but it seemed to build up even more, " I'ma sorry... if it scared Ludwig-'

" Nein. He waz vorried. Zhat is all.'

" Ah I see...' Romulus forced a smile, " I'll be back at work... I'a promis-'

" Nein... Do not vorry about it Romulus." Gerhart sighed out.

Gerhart was Ludwig and Gilberts old man. He had blue eyes and long blonde hair. It was amazing that at work it didn't get the man fired... but apparently, it was his style and he kept with it despite everything. Romulus used to bug Gerhart back when they were in highschool. Gerhart couldn't stand him- And yet somewhere in all of that... Romulus had still snagged him as a friend after all the years of waiting.

"... I... Si... " He smiled weakly. It was hard... No, beyond hard. He couldn't even think straight with the events that had been taking place. He knew that something was going on with Lovino, But he was too late to trace it to the main source.. and now here they were. In this position at this time. Lovino was in a deep sleep because of the medicine and the man could only imagine how he would feel when he woke up.

And how hard he would take it when he realized he wasn't dead.

The man's heart sake at the thought of the boy wanting to end his life... especially in the way he tried.'

The doctor had said something about the cut... It was straight down the middle of his arm. Nearly cutting a tendon in his wrist in two... How did Lovi take the pain? What was Lovi thinking when he realized that, at that moment.. it would be the last time he saw the sky? ... How did Feli know?... How did he know that something was up? Maybe they had.. super twin powers or something- or maybe Feli was quicker then he let on. But Romulus did know one thing,

He was tired, and yet he couldn't sleep.

He felt sick. All he had was regrets zooming through his head. What if he said that? Or what if he said this? What if he had helped Lovino with his homework? What if he spent less time at work? What if... What if...

He bit his lip.

" Stop it...'

His eyes snapped back to reality.

" H-Huh?" he laughed sheepishly.'

" Ztop blaming yourself. Yes. It's bad. Very bad. " Gerhart began, " But Lovino does not need you sulking about what happened... He needs you. And I do mean YOU. You are his grandfather but you are also a father in his life. He needs you. He's not going to take things that happened lightly Romulus.'

The older man winced at the thought... That was true...

Lovi was not going to be happy when he woke up.

Too bad he didn't know how deep and how bad everything was for Lovi. If he had known... Maybe he could have helped his grandson.

But he was in the dark.

And it felt like this was going to be more difficult then he had ever imagined..

* * *

Feli stared at the heart monitor that beeped. Each beep..sounding off a beep of his brother's heart. Each beep sounding off that his big brother was still alive and well.

Thank god.

He leaned back in the chair. It was almost as uncomfortable as standing up, plus his Nonno was taking a while to come back. He sighed and squirmed. Feli loved sleeping.. laying around and the lot- but he was also weirdly wiggly for someone who slept more then he was awake.

So he was restless, to say the least.

He whined. Swallowed. Tried to think of something to say but instead drew a blank. He was worried... Lovino was off these last few days... he knew this and yet he tried to brush it off. He looked so dejected when he went to Antonio's. He looked so irritated.. he hardly ate in the last few days...

Feli groaned and clamped his eyes shut. He usually closed them anyway but not it was hard to keep them that way. It was a nightmare waiting to happen if he opened them. He was supposed to be the cheerful one.. the one that saw the positive in everything. Now all he could see was his brother with a peaceful look laying on a hill-

Surrounded by blood.

His eyes shot open...

Ah... He dozed off.

The teen stretched every joint he had- and some that he didn't know he had. ( apparently gym class wasn't helping him as much as he thought. Maybe he could ask Ludwig for some work out help... Wait... Maybe not. Ludwig was more Sparta then his own Nonno and that was weirdly saying enough. )

Then he heard a strangled sigh.

His head shot to his brother.

Lovino whined... Shivered even. The heart monitor skipped a bit. Lovino's shoulders went up as if he was readjusting... And Feli was quick to grab his brother's hand. He was almost taken back by how cold Lovi's hand was, but he ignored it. He wrapped his shaking hand around his brothers... each second past. And each moment made Feli want to curse at how slow Lovino was being.

And then Lovi's eyes opened...

He stared at the ceiling with his hazel eyes; confusion danced in them for a moment. He looked at the tile confused... and then something clicked. And Feli watched as his brother yanked his hand from his own, covered his eyes and started crying.

He had seen Lovi cry over many silly things- but never as serious as it was now.

A lot of things crossed Feli's mind.

One was to blindly hug him, Cry over him even. He wanted to know if Lovino was alright- and yet he had another voice chiding him and telling him that ' Of course he's not okay Feli! He tried to kill himself! There is something, definitely wrong!'

So he shut down his urges to go and smother his brother with love. Instead, he watched as Lovi sobbed under his breathe. His heart monitor kept picking up from the panic of waking up in a white hospital room- One that, Mind you, had little to no furniture or anything- given the suicide watch.

He wanted to comfort his brother.

His chest was heavy... But it also kind of hurt. He was excited to get to see his family again. To see Romano after all that time... to have him come stay- and to be honest? Lovino scared the pee out of him that day. ( Ever so little. )

So when he saw his brother crying and sobbing... He had the other thought to go over to Lovino... Grab him by his good arm, twirl his face around to look at him, and tell him that " Hey! You scared me shitless! DON'T EVER Do that again.'

He wanted too.

But he couldn't.

What good would that do? It'd just make it worse... and although Feli didn't fully understand why Lovino would try to kill himself- He also knew how negative thoughts could pull you down and hurt you. He had been there... He had done that.  
He didn't want to go there again.

Now he had to see his big brother go through it.- Oh god. He HOPED it wasn't a twin thing. That would be pretty bad... He had never been suicidal but god- He hoped he never would be. He didn't think he'd be able to handle all that blood again- Lovino's or his.

" W-Why?'

Feli's head shot up and he looked at his sobbing brother.  
" W-Why... Why.. Why.. WHY!?" He snapped, rubbing his eyes furiously. Feli had to wrap what his brother was saying around his mind. And then he felt his heart drop even more.

"... Romano...'

" WHY!? DAMMIT! WHY. AM. I. STILL. HERE!?"

"... Are'a you stupido!?" Feli snapped.  
Lovino quickly lowered his arm and looked at his brother shocked. Mostly because seeing a mad Feli was seeing a very Rare Feli.

" Don't'a ask why right now..' Feli's voice trembled- He couldn't help it from coming out. He wanted to be strong in this... but right now his brother was making it difficult. He wanted to stand in the gap for Romano, but how could he? His brother seemed to depression...so death-seeking. - Feli was the one that wanted to know WHY. Why did Romano do this? Why would he? Were they not good enough? Did he do something? Could he have stopped it?

"Don'ta ask why- When I should'a be asking why!" He voice cracked, " I'a... Had to stop your bleeding...I had to search your pockets for your phone- And you're the one'a asking WHY right now!?" He lost it.

He wasn't going to do it and yet he ended up doing it anyway.

" F-FELI!"

His head shot up and he noticed his grandfather in the doorway of the room. He quickly walked over, walked past him and then looked at Romano. He lifted his hand and watched as Lovino flinched and clamped his already tired and swollen eyes shut- Only instead of being hit.. or screamed at by his Nonno... the man choked up and ruffled his hair.'

" How'd you doing eh? Bambino?" he whispered. His rough hand worked its way through the teen's hair- Avoiding said awkward curl. It was already awkward enough as it is and Romulus didn't want to scare the poor kid.-

Romano swallowed the lump in the back of his throat and shook his head, quickly pulling away and then ducking under the covers-

" Lovi?"

"Dont. Not'a right now...' He whispered, " I'a so pissed...' he choked, " I'a don't want to even think right now.. Much less answer questions.' He shivered. His fingers grasped at the blanket. They stared in silence... Not knowing what to do. And then Romano slowly dozed off again- Possibly because he was so drugged up-. Romulus swallowed... and then quickly led Feli to the hallway.'

" Feli-'

" I'ma sorry...' he whispered. His voice was hoarse... as if he had been holding in tears- or possible screams of confusion- " I'a... I'a just...' He trailed off. His shoulders jerked, and he looked at the floor. The speckled tiles blurred in his sight, " I'a just wanted to know... I just wanted to know because... Because maybe I could've prevented it. Maybe... M-Maybe..' He suddenly whimpered as his grandfather wrapped him up in his arms...

And instead of saying that it would be okay-

He whispered,

" I know..'

 _'Me too.'_


	10. Home Is Where the Healing Is'

_**Chapter 10: Home is Where the Healing Is.'**_

* * *

" We discovered during the transfusion two things. One he has Chorea... The medicine was in his system.'

"Uh... Si... I forgot about that in all the rush.' Feli scrunched up his adorable nose and scratched his neck. He was trying to play this as a cool meeting but his brother was on suicide watch.

It was supposed to be a family matter so only Feli and his Nonno could talk to the doctor about it. Ludwig and Kiku had come to visit and were now in the hall as they spoke.

They wanted to be supportive and Feli was honestly very grateful. They had been together since he was young and to small understand the world around him- so having his strong best friend Ludwig and his understanding friend Kiku there was all he truly needed- Even if he still felt like he was hanging by a thread.

"I see..' The doctor wrote something down and then fixed his glasses, " The second thing that we discovered was that he was newer to self-harm?" He arched his brow, " I'm not sure if you knew about this or not...' He trailed off.

Feli paled as Romulus's head shot up.'

"... Eh?" he whispered.

The doctor sighed, " It looks like you didn't know..." He smiled sheepishly, " We discovered older scratches on his forearms and some on his shoulders. It looked like just recently he started cutting with a different means altogether- A knife with a sharper edge probably, Maybe a razor blade.. its hard to tell how it was done- all we know is that it was done.' He whispered.  
Romulus suddenly felt his throat close up with shock.

Wait...

Cutting?

... Oh...

 _Oh Shit._

The long sleeves... The hot weather. The way he was so standoffish... The way he'd keep himself at arm's length. The older man suddenly felt like passing out. The signs where all there- how had he NOT seen it!? The long sleeves, the quietness ( For Lovi was usually one to spout off at anything .' ) And then he heard the doctor say something about a knife...

And his mind went back to that one time in the kitchen.

Twelve o'clock at night... Lovino's back turned to him as he was messing with something in the sink. He was doing something but the man figured he was just cleaning up after eating something- Probably a tomato... Antonio had gotten the kid hooked on those since his childhood-. He remembered going over to the sink and finding a knife in there... he thought Feli ha left it out after dinner.

And the older man also remembered the sinking feeling that had built up in the underlinings of his stomach.

Ah...

It was like his instincts were trying to tell him something was wrong. It was like they were telling him to see his grandson, to hold him.. to calm him down and tell him he loved him so much. And what did he do to those instincts of his? He stifled them like they didn't even matter.'

Feli, however, went from trying to look like his normal cheery self to mortified...

So that meant when he grabbed Romano's arm that one time- He hurt him? He felt the sweat run down his spine as he gripped the chair's armrest- so tight that he was sure all the blood was rushing to his head.

" I can see your both shocked by this news.. But I assure you this usually happens. I'm surprised he wasn't a long time cutter by the time he decided to ... attempt suicide, but it can happen in that way too." He smiled bitterly and flipped a page over in his book, " Lovino is on Suicide watch at the moment... which means no shoelaces or anything else of that kind. Nothing that he could potentially break and then kill himself with- nothing that can cause him harm or can be manipulated so that it would do so."

" I'a have a question.' Feli suddenly muttered, looking at a bit uncomfortable, " How'd do we help my Fratello?... What are the signs... How do we...' He trailed off. He was confused and a bit new to this talk. Suicide? Heck... he knew about self-harm but each situation was just as worrisome as the next. His eyes almost clouded over while the doctor nodded.'

" Try to be there for him.. Be supportive. A lot of people think they should avoid talking about suicide because it would just want the person to do it more- that's not fully the case. The more you talk about it the more it helps. Self-harm is not easily given up... Some people believe once they start they can stop right away- whenever they want. But that's another thing that is not true... Sometimes it becomes something they depend on for self-expression and a release from the pain. Suggest ice... Or even rubber bands if you have too. They are much safer ways to harm yourself." He nodded and clicked his pen.

Feli felt his head spin. H wasn't expecting things to be all happy and hunky-dory, But he wasn't expecting it to be this scary as well.

" So'a... That means.. keeping away sharp objects?" Romulus began. God. He wished he took notes himself.

The doctor nodded, " Keep away Knives, smokes, ropes, broken CDS, rocks.. Anything that you potentially hurt yourself with- and or self-harm yourself with. BUT don't treat him like he HAS to be watched. It would only eat on him even more- and probably anger him given the lack of privacy.'

Romulus bit his lip. That was kind of true. Romano didn't open his heart to just anyone. He was pretty stubborn. He'd come crying about the weirdest things- or at least that's what Romulus used to think- And he'd also spout off with his snarky mouth. In fact, when Romulus first picked up the lad when he was fourteen, his first words were something along the lines of,

 _"Bout time ya Bastard.'_

He laughed at that time... he thought it was adorable. A teenager just going through his first bouts of puberty. His voice was a bit crackly and he had called him a bastard like it was no tomorrow. He was wearing cackies, rolled up to his calf. A big t-shirt that said something about, ' Screwing off'. A large Jacket, and his hair had been messy.

Romulus knew from that moment on that Lovino was NOT like Feli.

Oh no.

Romano was a different person altogether- And a wonderful one at that.

Especially when he came home the first day and he found Romano and Feli catfighting in the living room. Slaps were being thrown and they both were equally annoyed with each other- which was rare for Feli. But the man had to smile... it was sweet. He knew they'd get along eventually... And Feli had been so excited to see Romano that he had been bouncing all day that week.

Now here they were in a doctors office, two years later... trying to figure out what went wrong.

Of course, Romulus was going to think of the obvious. He had been harsh on Romano lately but that wasn't because of anything bad. He was just getting more so worried about romano's future. His grades took a sharp downturn ( even though they had never been perfect ) And Lovino would have more and more Chorea attacks because of, " Damned Highschool stress.'

Plus he had been working harder because he thought the extra money would be good so that he and the boys could do something to take their minds off he studying.

He didn't notice how much was passing before him.  
Now Romano was older, his voice reasonably lower. His hair had darkened a bit with his age and even though he still had the same styling sense, Romulus now knew a lot more about Romano. He was sensitive... sweet. Good with the ladies ( He prided himself in this one. Although he had noticed the girls tended to wain to Feli more. It almost broke his heart, given Romano almost looked exactly like him. ) Romano was more innocent then he let on and when he did smile it was rather bright. He was determined despite having so much on his plate.

Lovino had a tendency to be lazy; but not all the time. If Lovino had work to do. He did it, no questions asked. He made sure to get it done no matter how long it took. He couldn't clean as well but he did try to help out... It wasn't Feli who planted the garden after all. That was all Lovino. Romulus had thought maybe it was because he missed growing up at Antonios.. and maybe he just missed the gardens- But Lovino seemed to honestly enjoy seeing the fruits of his labors.

Lovino was determined.

No doubt about it.'

So why... Why... Why had he... become determined on killing himself?

Romulus sighed out as the doctor droned on...

* * *

His heavy eyes fluttered open and were greeted by the bright light of the nearby window. His head was pounding... the light hurt his eyes and his body didn't even want to move. How long had he been sleeping?... He wasn't sure... He just remembered having a small- Okay big- Break down.

And now...

Well..

" What the hell..." he whined and tried to wiggle out of his uncomfortable spot. The bed was one of those cheap ass hospital beds. The ones they weirdly blew up and then deflated when you slept on them. Something hot was on his legs and he was guessing heating blanket. His good arm hurt, so when he looked he noticed an IV. His other arm?

It hurt like hell.

He groaned and glanced over at the bandage. It was wrapped nice and tight... All professional too. Something his clumsy hands could never pull off. He tried to flex his fingers but instead was wrapped in terrible pain. He hissed, jerking his head to the side.'

"A-Ah. D-Dammit..' he croaked. God. His voice was so hoarse. How long was he sleeping? And why was he here?... Where was he? He knew it was a hospital but it was the weirdest hospital room he had ever seen. All white, hardly any furniture, and lack of.. well a lot of things.

" Ah Morning sleepy head...'

He suddenly snapped his head towards the voice.'

" I wouldn't move your'a arm too much..." Romulus smiled faintly. Although it looked a bit forced as he walked in and took a seat, " You'a almost cut a tendon in two... so.. Your wrist is gonna hurt like hell for now." He smiled and leaned back on the cushions.

All Lovino could do was look at him.

Cut a tendon in too?... Ah... Antonio's knife really did the job after all. It must have cut really well; not that it surprised him. It didn't take long for him to pass out from the lack of blood or the pain...

" If you'a feel a bit odd... could'a be the blood transfusion.' Romulus muttered. Lovino paled... and then noticed he WAS tasting a weird iron taste.

His stomach almost tuned.

" H-Hey'a! Don'ta puke on your dear old Nonno!" Romulus held up his hands in mock surrender. The teen took a moment and then removed the hand from his mouth, ( which he had placed there to stop anything from coming up. ).'

"... Why... the hell... Am... I here?" He coughed.

Romulus smiled slowly faded.

" ... You'a tried to kill yourself...'

" I KNOW... that much.' Lovino whispered. His eyes were so...lifeless. The pretty sparkle that the Hazel eyes usually held was long gone, replaced by something that looked dead... hard.

But it also looked like Hurt was behind the beautiful color; But instead of the hurt flashing and rushing away, it stayed there this time. It was like the Lovino he knew was gone... the Lovino he knew didn't seem to want to come out and say hi.

It was only the Lovino that his Romano hid from him.

But..

It was all in all just his grandson.

The grandson he thought he knew. The grandson he thought he showed enough love too. The grandson he felt like he failed.  
"You're'a brother got worried after your phone call...'

"... Should'a just left a note instead.. Dammit.' Lovino whispered. Romulus.. decided it was best to ignore that comment.'

" He went over to Antonio's. He didn't know where'a you went... So..Feli went looking for you. He found you... Applied pressure and then used your'a phone to call 911. You bled out a lot... Feli called me... cursing up a storm-'

Lovino sent him a blank look.

" N-No! Ima not lying-!"

" No'a! Hes'a not! I said Ass and Everything! Vee~'

Lovino groaned mentally. Great... the one person he didn't want to see right now. His cheerful brother. He didn't want to see Feli right now. Last time he woke up his brother actually snapped at him... But that wasn't just the case. Feli was.. better than him- and now that he was in a hospital bed?... He really wasn't any good compared to the cheerfulness that was Feli.

Feli Vargas... Loved by all.

He felt himself let out a weak sigh. He went silent again- And Romulus was watching him a lot closer this time.

Lovino let his head slowly turn to his brother- half expecting to see him smiling and walking over with a ton of food bags in his hands. Instead, he saw his brother dressed in doctors scrubs; His hair was hardly brushed.. his hands were in his pockets as if he was cold and he could have sworn he heard his stomach growl-

Now... It must have been the meds- for his mind could not grasp why his brother was dressed like a doctor- So he stupidly said something along the lines of-

" Oh'a god... DID'A HE DO THE SURGERY!? HOW'A AM I NOT DEAD!?"

Romulus snorted. Covered his mouth and swallowed.  
Feli looked dumbfounded.

"... What'as type of drugs do they'a have you on Romano?" He looked distained. And Lovino suddenly felt his face heat up... It took a moment for his mind to grasp what he just said ( And very loudly I might add. ) For he suddenly groaned and tried to dive back into the uncomfortable hospital bed.'

" H-How'a am I supposed to know!?" he mumbled under the covers. Romulus had to fight not to crack up laughing. He knew it wasn't a funny situation but he loved it when his grandsons had their... Erm... Moments.'

" OHHH!" Feli suddenly laughed, " Its'a the clothes right?" He beamed, tugging at the greenish blue cloth, " I got blood all over me and the doctors let me'a use their shower! Hehe." he lit up.

To be honest he was happy Romano was awake...

Despite snapping at him before; he was glad his brother could at least OPEN his eyes. He was glad his big brother was alive.

Given he did want to know why his brother tried to kill himself- but his grandfather told him that questions like that would have to wait a little longer.. or at least until Romano had his eyes open for a bit.

Feli sighed and walked into the room.  
He hardly had even slept, which was rare for him. He was hungry but he was more worried about Lovino.

" Everyone is a here'a to see you Lovino...' He stopped at the foot of the bed, and smiled..

Bitterly.

Sadly.

Sorrowfully.

Lovino went silent. His hands clenched the blanket before he poke his head out again. He looked at his brother. His eyes looked dead. The pretty Hazel that lit up in the light of the day was nothing but a dull sea of green and brown. He looked down at the blankets.

Feli watched his fingers twitch.

He watched Lovino clench his hand- just to feel pain.

Tears welled up in the youngers eyes.

"... I don'ta want to see them...' he whispered suddenly, " I don't want to see them. I want to be alone.. " he murmured. Feli held back a sniffle- and then forced a bright smile-

" W-Well... We can'ta just turn them away! Come on Romano!... Just a quick hello, please? Pleasseeee big brother?" He tilted his head and smiled. Fighting back the tears in his own eyes. He couldn't cry right now-right?

"... I don'ta want too..'

" But-'

" I said'a no bastard! Just shut up and listen to me-' Lovino suddenly shivered, " Just listen to me for once... For once...'

He choked and then pulled the blanket back over his head. Feli felt his heart drop faster then it had risen. Listen for once?...

But.. he thought he always had?

Had he not listened?

Was this because he didn't move fast enough when Romano started to get bullied? Or maybe he should have ate lunch with him more often than with Ludwig. His face looked conflicted as tears ran down his cheeks.

"... I-I'm sorry brother," he muttered. Romulus looked at the two boys and then looked out the window.

"... I know you'a don't want them to come in... But they are worried about you Romano-'

" Bull shit.' Lovino laughed under his breath.'

Romulus was shocked.

Why would he think no one was worried? Why?... Hell, He was worried. But Lovino hadn't made a move to talk to them about it. He hadn't made a move to speak... He had been quiet. And Romulus hated to admit it- but this was how he had been acting all that time. He had known something was wrong. But he shooed it off as a teenage problem... he had been worried but he didn't know it would drive Lovino to this.

He looked so far gone... So depressed. He looked like he wanted nothing to do with life itself. Or even the concept of it; but he also looked like he needed the worlds biggest hug. He looked like he needed all the awards, warmth, love, and kindness that he could handle. But Romulus had never doted like that- Not on Lovino. Lovino got embarrassed easily.. heck. When he visited Romano when they were little, Romano would hide and cry. He had wondered if he was scared of him- but Feli would just giggle.. look at him with wide eyes and say,

'Roma really loves you Nonno!'

He never understood until a little while later when Romano turned fourteen and he got to take the sassiness home with him. Lovino Vargas was definitely his grandson. To a key.

" They are coming in... At least for today..." he whispered, " Just give them that much-'

" I don'ta... want too...' Lovino's voice cracked.

"... Lovino-'

" Dammit! I SAID NO!" He suddenly jerked up, blankets flying off his head, tears in his eyes. He glared at the man, shaking, " I SAID'A NO! I DON'T WANT'A SEE THEM! WHY WILL YOU NEVER LISTEN'A TO ME!?' He choked... and then buried his face in his knees. His shoulders shook.. he grabbed at his arms.

Romulus felt a lump form in his throat.

"... I'm trying to listen-'

"Go... Away...' Lovino whispered after catching his breath. He stayed there with his head buried in his knees. His shoulders pinched together; his knuckles white from grabbing at his blankets. Fei looked shocked.

"... Romano...' He whispered.

" S-Sorry... We'll come'a back later.' He whispered and looked at his grandfather. But he noticed the look of hurt and concern in his grandfather's eyes. And he wondered if they would be able to do this... would they be able to help his brother? What could he do? He didn't know... he had always been happy with his grandpa.

Sure he had his ups and downs but he never wanted to kill himself. He had gone through a lot but he never went through something like this- Or at least not to the extent that Romano was going through it.

He bit his lip and ushered his grandfather out...

And he wondered if he had the power to save his brother.

After all...

He was only himself. He wasn't that great... But at least he'd try.

At least he'd try to save his brother-

He wanted to see his brothers smile one day.

 _Even if only for a moment.'_

* * *

" This'a food taste like leftover moldy cheese... No offense Francis-"

"Oui... Oui... Whatever... It is 'ospital food."

Feli pouted and looked down at the nasty burger that he had been nibbling on. And when he said nasty he meant it this time. It was one of those frozen burgers that they refried and then added sauces... ugh. To be honest it was the first time in a while he ate.

It had been just yesterday since Romano shooed them away. They had been back of course but not much was said or done. Lovino just refused to talk... he was quiet, which was weird. Lovino was one to shout out random curse words by the minute.

He was still sleeping a lot. He didn't want to get up to do anything.. he was still dirty with some blood spots here and there; they couldn't wash him just yet...Feli was nervous. He and his grandfather were going to have to go through the house and figure out everything. Although it was still a way until Lovino came home; He wanted to get everything fixed just right for his Fratello.

Which meant taking away all the sharp objects and hoping for the best.

".. Ugh... Ew... Its'a good thing we'rea in the hospital because this is so nasty I'a might get a stomach ache..." he pinched his eyes shut and swallowed the vile taste. Gilbert, Francis, and Antonio laughed awkwardly. They had shown up today as well, wishing to see Lovino. But he just turned it down and ignored everyone. It was almost unnerving but Antonio understood it.

He knew that his Mia Tomato was in a lot of pain right now.

Heck.

When they were little? Romano would always talk about his grandfather and how ' Amazing' He was. But he would never admit he admired the man unless he was ready to embarrass himself- which was basically never.- But Antonio also knew that Lovino- at random times- would show a lot of issues without meaning too.

One of them being abandonment issues.'

" I 'ave to say... this was a s'ock.' Francis muttered, almost as if he was trying to keep on a down low, " After all.. we 'ung out with 'im sometimes. So I was not expertecting T'is.' he whispered and rested his head on his hand. Gilbert nodded.'

" JA! I mean.. COME ON MAN! This was so not awesome! I kinda feel bad for the little guy...' he tutted under his breath, before suddenly gruntly, " ACTUALLY! I HAVE TOTALLY UNNERVING NEWS FOR YOU BRO HA!" He suddenly seemed to light up, and darken at the same time. Maybe it was the white hair or red eyes.

Feli blinked adorably.'

" What is it? OH! Another pretty lady? Tell me! Tell me!" He lit up. To be honest he felt like shit... But maybe he was just thinking too much, maybe he needed the distraction.'

" What is it Gilbert?" Antonio blinked and sipped his soda with wide green eyes- even if those green eyes had been very dull just like everyone else lately. ( Especially Feli's )

" EH... HEM!" He cleared his throat, looked around and then TRIED ( Whist failing) To drop his voice to a whisper, " I heard zhat Alfred's suspension is up... Hes coming baccckkk..' he looked left and then right, " Cyou didn't here zhis from me, I wash my awesome hands of it!" he held up his hands and almost threatened to spit in the floor beside his feet- Before Francis swatted him hard against the back of the head ( Saving Ludwig from having to do so. )

" Wait.. Alfred...' Antonio suddenly whined, " The crazy-' he started muttering in Spanish. One could not tell if he was pissed or strangely enough terrified of him; Antonio already had it out for Arthur, who was Alfreds older brother, so everyone tried to keep the two names from coming up around Antonio.'

" S-So'a soon? I thought he got'a week!" Feli gasped.

They all looked at him worried.'

"... Its been a week Feli...' Francis whispered.

The teen paled, but then laughed weakly,

" O-Oh is that so!? W-Well!... H-He's not gonna see my Fratello there! B-Because.. My Fratello is here... B-But its okay! Lovi is coming home soon! V... V... Vee...' he trailed off and then bit his lip.

Ah yeah.

Alfred.  
The guy that totally pummeled his brother- And the guy that Feli LET pummel his brother. All the rumors started and he didn't do anything... even if he couldn't do anything- that wasn't the point. He could have taken up for his big brother.

He chose to be cowardly instead.'

" Arfred-san is verry dangerrous.' Kiku whispered softly, " I'm surprised hes arrowed back.' He sighed and poked his burger- Although he'd eat anything smothered in salt- apparently a hamburger smothered in carbs was a big no go. Or it was just because it was hospital food in general.

He paid so he got one to try- it wasn't going well.'

" Arthough.. Hes not a bad person. Just very much so confused." He nodded as if in dee thought.'

" PFFT! That dude nearly wiped the floor with Lovi!" Gilbert laughed, " If anyzhing he is more then confused, HE IS EVIL! He nodded sharply while Antonio sighed out weakly. He sat his cup to the side and then glanced at Feli.'

" I think what hes trying to say it that Alfred might not be to happy that Lovino is coming back- When.. or.. if he comes back.' he whispered, a sad look on his face.'

" HEY!.. Dont be sucha party pooper! Of course hes coming back!" Gilbert laughed, a bit more forced this time, " He'll show.. Just give the little bro ha time! He IS Feli's brother after all. He'z got zhis.' He waved it off like it was nothing.

Fei was shocked it was so soon... Lovi had been gone two days, tried the attempt on the third day. They were here on the fifth. He sighed mentally. Lovi's suspension was supposed to be up long before Alfreds, and he knew that the American would probably look for his brother.

But his brother had only been here for two days so far. He had a bit of time to go. Which also made Feli realize something else. They had to tell the school.. which meant the principal. But hell.

He didn't want to tell the students... Not when they would just give out fake pity- or worse. Make everything a lot worse.

So Feli nodded.. his eyes wide as he listened. ( Or at least pretended too ), Well.. he WAS Listening, but he was also wondering how this was going to go. After all... Alfred bullied his brother. When they were little this one Turkish kid used to pick on Feli. He put up with it for the longest time- Until he tried to hurt Lovino. Feli sighed out gently in his mind.

Where had THAT courage gone?

He'd like it.. even if just for a second.

He sipped his drink and thought deeply about Alfred and what he did to his brother.

 _And Feli honestly didn't notice how tight he was holding that poor, defensless paper cup.'_

* * *

A few hours later and Feli was giggling, bouncing on the balls of his feet.

"Are'a you sure we can get'a EVERTHING?"

" SI! We'a got this Nonno!" Feli sent his grandfather a determined look. He grinned, fist pumped the air and then looked over at Ludwig and Kiku. Ludwig had on an apron,Kiku was wearing a smock that made him look like a chick- although Feli was not going to judge that... he still had a maid dress from when he was three.-

" Youa guys help Nonno with the attic!" he grinned, grabbed a piece of white cloth and then tied it around his forehead. He grinned, rolled up his sleeves and then dusted off his hands, " I'll take'a care of my brothers room, kitchen and back'ayard!" He grinned, and cracked his knuckles.

" I have the baby suppries...' Kiku help up some baby proofs for the knife drawers.

" Um.. To interject.. V'ont that just piss off your brother?" Ludwig squeaked.

Fei lit up.

" Si! " He started marching to the backyard, before turning around with a bright smile on his face.

" That's the point! I' have to have fun with him a little bit'a!" He laughed and then skipped away.

He was going to help his brother get back to being the person he knew him to be. He didn't know WHY his brother tried to kill himself- he didn't know why this had happened in the first place, But Feli and Romulus would do anything for him.. Starting with protecting him.

And trying to lighten the mood.

Heck.

 _Maybe Lovino cursing out drawers would do just that.'_


	11. Take the Hurt Away'

_**Chapter 11: ' Take the Hurt Away'**_

* * *

 _'Such a loser.'_

 _'Pathetic.'_

 _'Idiot! This is what you get! Couldn't even die!'_

 _'HA! Look at him... so pathetic... He should have just jumped off somewhere-'_

 _'Why can't you be more like your brother?'_

 _'Your..art. Is... Um. Interesting.'_

 _'Listen to your brother play his violin. So beautiful!'_

 _'Lovi?'_

 _'Lovino...'_

'Romano!?'

Lovinos' eyes darted open to the sound of the machines beeping, almost in tune with his name. He gasped, coughing on the raw smell of antiseptic. His fingers twitched- Oh god... He whined as his body did a small jerk. The dream had freaked him out- and yet he could barely feel anything emotionally because of all the crap he was feeling.'

He felt practically dead and he wondered if maybe a part of him died when he tried to end it all. He shivered and panted- it was hot..So hot. Like a damn sauna. Or maybe like the hot summers of a distant country, Or maybe it was hot because his body was going into such high up panic.

His fingers curled around the blankets, only to flex his cut. He cried out- All to loudly. He didn't mean too but the pain was so real. It made his arm so hot... He was panting but shivering, he was twitching in almost every muscle of his body, and now his hand was twitching which just added to the pain. He didn't know where he was.

He was in a hospital right? That was what he was told... But it was dark. He heard the machines, he heard the sounds of the air being pumped in and out of somewhere-

Where?

Panic took over his body; his heart monitor picked up. His hands kept gripping something, anything... he was so disoriented. Where was he? Why was he here?

" Romano?"

His eyes darted to something in the dark. The something sat on the end of his bed, reached over and then let light fill the room. Lovino squinted his eyes ever so slightly only to find his younger brother sitting there with worried eyes.

" Are you okay?"

The panic melted away and was settled with confusion. He didn't know if he was or not. He had to remember why he was there and when the sleep finally unclouded his mind he looked down. He remembered now.

He tried to end it.

And somehow he was still here.'

"... S-Si...' He trailed off and slowly unclenched his hand. It hurt so bad- Like someone had run it over and then decided to put it back together just to be nice-. His head was spinning and he thought back to how much medicine they had him on. His grandfather said something about painkillers- and then this other one.

Something about a depression drug.

Ha.

So.. that's what they decided on. Was he... Really? Romano groaned out and placed his good hand on his forehead. What time was it? He wasn't used to waking up this early in the morning.. or was it night? He wasn't sure. Heck. He didn't even know why Feli was here. Ugh... He couldn't believe this...

He shouldn't have even made it.

He should have been dead by now. With his Mama and his Papa; Where he was loved and wanted. Where he could be himself... Chorea and all. Where he wouldn't be compared to his brother or shoved into lockers. He should have been dead- because now here he was laying in a hospital bed. It was just great huh!?... He was ranking up a bill and being even more troublesome for his family.

How the hell did he screw up something so simple?

How could he screw up death!? Was he that bad at... at... Everything? His mind wandered off for a moment; his eyes showing just what type of agony he was going through- He felt a hand on his.

" Lovino?"

He glanced up slowly. His hazel eyes met the oak-ish eyes of his brother. He looked worried but also offered him a gentle smile.

Pfft. Classic Feli.

If it was him he would have cussed out whoever did this.. and.. and.. And then possible broke down crying. He swallowed the bile in his throat and then quickly pulled his hand back.

He didn't need to see Feli's face to know he felt rejected by that one move.'

"... Why are you here?" He whispered.'

Feli scrunched up his nose, " I was'a worried about my Fratello... Plus..' he trailed off in thought, " You'a needed someone to watch after you... You'a really scared me, Fratello-

" Why... " Lovino clamped his eyes shut, " Why did'a you show up?... I was fine.. I was going to be damn okay-'

" Your were dying-

" Exactly...' His voice dropped as he looked at the hospital covers. He wanted to cry, but he also felt all cried out- for the first time in his life mind you. He had been ready, or so he kept telling himself. He was ready to be gone... he was ready for the pain to fade. He didn't want to feel so... unloved anymore. He didn't want to be compared to his brother anymore. He just wanted all of this to stop. His life had been building up to this moment.

His depression didn't start just a few months ago.

It started when his Nonno sent him away.

He clamped his eyes shut and tried to breathe in the pregnant silence; Only to have his hand grabbed again and squeezed. It was tight.. and almost reassuring- but he wasn't sure about that either. If he was dead on the inside what was the point in being alive on the outside?

Why was his brother here? Why did his brother even... Why did he...

He bit his lip.'

"... why?" he muttered. His brother's hand flinched again on his own. " I was... fine." His voice cracked. And in the Silence of the room, he saw his brother bite his lip and refuse to cry. His youngest brother was refusing to cry right in front of him.-

Heck, maybe he was dead after all.'

"... I.. I wasn't going to let my Fratello die like that..." He forced a smile, " I wasn't going to let you go like that-'

" Why?" Lovino hissed, tears welled up in his eyes.

He wasn't mad at Feli... He just didn't understand why he was here... Talking to his brother. He didn't understand why he was very much alive and well. He was pretty sure he cut deep enough, he was pretty sure he was THAT close to dying. And yet...

He had just become a bigger burden... Not just for his family but for Antonio and everyone else he knew. His throat burned with held back tears and Feli gently stood up and looked at him... He then smiled sorrowfully.'

"You're my Fratello... We love'a you...' He smiled.  
Lovino felt his heartache.

" Liar..." he dropped his gaze to the bed, not catching Feli's shocked expression.'

" ... I'ma not lying...'

" I know you..." Lovino muttered softly, "You're'a lying.'

His brother didn't care about him. His Nonno didn't either. If he did he would realize that he was a different person than his brother. If his brother loved and cared he would have helped him through everything at school instead of turning a deaf ear and a blind eye. He wasn't loved by anyone. They hated him for his temper and teased him about his grades. He couldn't take it anymore.

Just the thought made his hands shake.'

" L-Lovino?"

" Y-Your'a lying... I want out of here..." His voice trembled, " I want out. Just let me'a go already you bastard.' He looked his brother in the eyes suddenly, " I'vea already made up my mind and you'a can't change that!' His voice raised on the end. Big droplets of water leaked out of the corners of his Hazel eyes.  
And Feli just looked at him with a hurt expression.'

And then smiled gently-

" Wanna a bet?"

He turned the light back off and made sure Lovino was okay; before leaving the room.

Lovino wanted to call out to his brother and ask him to come back. He wanted the company... But who would want to listen to his negativity all day? Who would want anything to do with him? He suddenly shuddered and choked- He hugged himself through the light hospital gown and dug his cut nails down. He could barely feel anything because his nails had been filed down this time- but he kept digging and digging.

And although he didn't break the skin. He did irritate his shoulder.

His panic slowly faded as he sat there. His eyes dead as his nails just dug and released him of the stress he was going through.

 _He let out a shuddered sigh.'_

* * *

" How-a in the world did you manage this?"

Romulus sighed the next morning and tried his best to stay calm, But he couldn't. Not when he walked in and as he went to cover Lovino up ( For he had passed out again. ) And saw his hospital gown hanging off his shoulder and revealing fresh scratches. They weren't deep... just enough to redden the skin and make those irritated red dots show up.'

His grandson was in the fetal position when he walked in; He was sleeping but his breathing was haggard. The nurse told him she had to give him some medicine in the middle of the night for his Chorea.

He had an attack when he wasn't there.

He had been at home going through a lot of crap he had found.

He had Feli watch Lovino. Of course, Feli had to go in the middle of the night because he had school and there was no way he could miss two weeks. He didn't want to go but he still did- which Romulus was proud of.' He had been going through a few older items he had stored away.

Antonio gave them to him years back and he couldn't help but smile as he went through a couple hundred pictures of Lovino in his growing years. It ranged from a child pouting and screaming at the camera, to a teen looking embarrassed. There were a few of Lovino wearing a soaking white T-shirt. Running around in the water- Although he looked pissed about it.

Antonio was in the picture as well and was laughing the whole time.

Romulus couldn't help but smile- And then tear up. He had missed all those wonderful years... he wondered how he and Feli would have gotten along in those times. Would they have been closer? Were they even close now?

He would have been so happy if they had been. He himself had a brother many years ago- But... Things don't always go as planned. Life liked to sneak up behind you and stab you with repeated problems and issues. He just hoped Lovino and Feli could be something he and his brother could not be.

But hey...

He wasn't sure.

Lovino was always cursing out Feli and Feli never seemed to grasp what Lovino was doing. They were total opposites... He grimaced at the thought but ignored it at that point in time.  
Now here he was checking on the Ragazzo and making sure he was alright through all the hectic notions. He made sure to move Lovino ( Lovi was hard to wake up. ), he then tucked him in and then took out a wipe from the side table...He then washed off the scratches- That DID wake up Lovino.

The teen cursed out.

" That'a hurts! Donta touch them so easily you-' He jerked his head to see who he was screaming at.

His face went pale.'

"N-Nonno... I... I thought you were-...' he suddenly shut down. He shut his mouth and quickly looked down, " Mi di-

" Why are you apologizing eh?" Romulus whispered but offered a gentle smile, " I touched them too rough right?" He then winced, " Im'a not used to this.. sorry.' He grinned and then went to gently wash them in a more gentle way, before making sure Lovi's hospital gown covered his shoulders.

Lovi gave him a leary look.

The older man didn't know how to take this. He was acting a bit standoffish... as if he wasn't sure how his grandfather was going to react to him. He supposed that made sense but he was also confused. When had Lovino become so .. distant from him? Sure he had only had Lovi for two years now- but in those two years he thought they had made progress.'

" So-a...' Romulus laughed awkwardly, " How are you?... Are you'a eating?" he smiled and sat down. Lovi sent him a look, and it almost looked like he backed away from him just a tad.

"... No..." He whispered. Romulus frowned,

" You should'a really try to eat Lovi.. " he smiled ever so slightly,

" You'a need it in you-

"I'm not hungry... " Lovino whispered, but his eyes never left his Nonno...

He was talking to him. He was taking care of him and making him feel so different than usual. His heart would have swelled- if he knew it wasn't because his Nonno didn't want him to hurt himself again. He wasn't stupid... They were just being damn loveable because they were scared-

Right?

He looked away, conflicted.

"... I can'a bring you some pasta... If you like?"

"... No..' Lovi muttered and then laid back on the bed. He stared up at the roof with blank eyes, only to suddenly grunt and then turn towards his grandfather.'

" Hey'a Nonno...'

" Hum?" Romulus blinked.'

" This side of the hospital is off'a...' He glared, "... What type'a hospital is this?" he grumbled. He then watched as his grandfather bit his lip and then laughed awkwardly.- O, God. Why did he ask? Was he in the crazy ward? They stuck him there, didn't they? Oh, Gooodddd No. He'd rather die. He shivered at the thought before his grandfather cleared his throat.'

" Your'a on suicide watch-

" WHAT!?" Lovino jerked his head towards his father, " You mean lik'a in the movies and crap?" he squeaked.

His grandfather nodded slowly.'

" Si.. and No... Y-You'a see-'

" No wonder you don't have shoelaces on...How do you kill'a yourself with shoelaces anyway? I mean.. come on.' he whispered and seemed to think about it; only to pause, " Oh wait... if they're long enough-'

" R-romano!" Romulus paled. Oh god, he didn't want to hear this coming from his grandson. Lovino shrugged a shoulder, dug into his covers and wiggled in, only to suddenly look at the ceiling.

He felt sick... but he didn't want to eat. Was that a bad thing? So what if he didn't eat... Okay. He was hungry but he felt so icky from the transfusion that he had a feeling he'd puke it up anyway.

Besides.. he wasn't worth the hassle.

He sighed out weakly. His chest felt heavy-

"Y-You'a... Need something to take your mind off'a everything?" Romulus glanced at his grandson and watched as Lovino scanned the room. Yeah... he needed a knife, a note and a pen to go with it- but if he said that.. ( And if he was in the suicide ward of the hospital like his grandfather said' ) Then they'd have him drugged before he could say how he was feeling.'

He didn't want to go back into that dark place that the medicine took him too. He'd want to wake up and yet he couldn't... He truly didn't want to go back to that hell.

" How'a bout I bring you some art supplies? Or maybe cards?" He smiled, " You'a might have homework I can have Feli bring'a home?"

Lovino cast his grandfather a look.

" I dont'a want any art supplies...' His eyes cast to the side.  
After all.

His pictures weren't as nice as Felis...

Just garbage...

Romulus blinked. He knew that was a bit off. Antonio told him when Romano was little he used to draw all the time just for the fun of it... What was this? He bit his lip,

" I thought you'a loved to draw?"

"My art sucks...' Romano whispered and just laid there. He glanced up at the ceiling.'

Romulus felt his heart quiver.'

"Your art isn't bad'a Romano. Just different."

" Yeah...'Different.' Lovino turned his back on his grandfather and sighed out heavily. Romulus sighed out and then reached forwards. He ran a hand over Lovinos head and then... hesitantly placed a small kiss on his forehead. He smiled down at the teen- who had turned to look at him confused-

"It's a good different.' He smiled before pulling back, " I'lla bring some paper and stuff anyway. And that'a homework.' He chuckled.

Lovino sent a look of disdain.'

" I'lla just screw it up...' He glared at the joining wall- before hearing his grandfather chuckle.'

" Ah... I'lla help you with it. And for what I don't know... Your brother will'a help. Promise."

Lovino didn't know what was going on with his grandfather... he didn't get what was going on with his brother. All he knew was that he had this aching in his chest that he couldn't explain. He didn't want to draw... And yet somewhere told him that maybe if he did, His grandfather would finally like them. Something told him that maybe he'd enjoy the company...

He'd enjoy someone helping him with his homework and understanding why he was having it so hard.

But he was also so weary of it too.'

All his life his grandfather had chosen Feli's art. Feli's personality, Feli's everything- So why should he have to believe everything was changing for the better?

No...

He was just being pitied. No... He wasn't going to tell them why. He couldn't. He just wanted to feel accepted by his Nonno- but he didn't want that acceptance all because he tried to kill himself. He didn't know why but he had never felt this conflicted before.

This was going to be a long two weeks.

 _Dammit._

 _Why did he have to fail?_


	12. When Vee? Is Used As A Threat'

_**Ciao!**_

 _ **Just prepare for a time skip. I didn't think I should write much on Lovino's two weeks in the hospital. I honestly think it takes time to heal. Especially after you try to kill yourself. I think it will take Lovino time... Hes been through a lot and is dealing with hating not only himself but his purpose. Feli also might be a bit off in this chapter. But I honestly did this on purpose. I wanted to bring out his protective side. Please enjoy.'**_

* * *

 _ **Chapter 12: When Vee~? Is used as a Threat-**_

* * *

" You are not allowed to come over to my house ever again!'

Lovino grimaced as Antonio sent him a pissed look. He was standing there ( For Romulus let them in even though he wanted to be alone.. ) and folding his tan arms over his chest. His dark honey brown hair looked dirty and his green eyes were full of annoyance.'

"As much as you are Mia tomato... we have a lot of old Spanish weapons in that house. So.. No.' he nodded as Lovino just sat there. He was getting dressed and this weirdo decided to walk in like a flood. Of course, he was used to Antonio by now but he was sure the normal him would scream and tell him to,

" KNOCK ON THE DAMN DOOR!'

But he just went for a glare that could freeze hell over and buckled his pants,

" Idiota...' he whispered under his breath before running a hand through his hair and swallowing. The doctors were sending him home tomorrow.. which meant he got to wear his normal clothes to get used to them again- and got to bathe by himself for once.

And although laying down into the water was tempting- they only gave him ten minutes to get his ass all clean before barging in again. He never thought he'd let people see him naked so much in his life- but he now knew he was mentally scared. He was either never going to try this again- or he wasn't going to fail next time. He truly couldn't tell which one he was going for.'

When he opened his eyes, all he could think of was that he was shocked... His memory could barely pick up anything. He remembered wanting all the pain to go away. To disappear... And as he stared up at the sky, he thought he'd get his wish. He thought maybe.. maybe all this pain would go away. He thought maybe he could stop being a burden to those around him; now... he was just a bigger one.

His hands shook as he ran them through his hair. His arm was bandaged and throbbed badly now. He had been at this hospital for a while now.. two weeks. TWO... WEEKS. Something about suicide watch. If he had known it was going to be this difficult to live on? He would have taken his Chorea pills AND slit his wrists. But no... his brother found him.

Feli found him.

Of course he did.

Romano sighed out and flexed his arm, letting pain shoot up his hand before he pulled his button up shirt on and rubbed his eyes one last time. He had been listening to Antonio rant for an hour now... His grandfather just sat there. He had no clue where his brother was- given the time? Probably school...

...

..  
Why was Antonio out of school again- Ya know what? he refused to ask when it came to him. He fixed the wrinkles out of his clothes, and then sat down. His head was swimming...

Maybe it was all the thoughts.

He had to go back home tomorrow. To... To being worthless. To being Useless Romano. He had to go back to being in the way.. to listen to how people put him down at school. He had to go back to the pain that he remembered all too well. His fingers clenched..

What if his grandfather sent him away again? But not to Antonio... what if he sent him to a shrink, or a psych ward.. or...

Or.

Lovino swallowed.

 _Mama, Papa._

He kept questioning them why he still there to begin with.

He just scared his brother with something he should have never seen. He should have chosen somewhere else, he shouldn't have called Feli... he ruined his award ceremony... He bit his lip to stop himself from falling deeper into the depression that he was already so deep into.

Why...

Why did he ruin everything?

Even a damn suicide attempt!... You'd think that was simple enough, right?...

Right?

" Romano?"

Lovino blanky looked up, " Si?" he whispered. His dead eyes trained on Antonios, " I really don't want to hear where I can and cannot go right now...' He sat there on the bed, " I've heard it for two weeks now... " he cast his eyes away. Antonio bit his lip.'

"... Lovino-

" What... dropping Romano now eh?" he whispered and then looked up at Antonio through his eyelashes, " I don't want to hear it... " His voice was more pleading then snarky, and he went to looking away once more. Antonio narrowed his eyes, but then nodded.'

" Alright, Mia Tomato... S-Stay strong.' He smiled and forced a smile; before waving at Romulus and walking out. The door closed... leaving them in silence. Lovino felt bad... He had never spoken to Antonio in that sense. ( He had talked to him like the dick he is- but never with his whole heart and soul in it. ) The teen pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees.

It was awkward.'

"... You'a know... hes'a just worried.. that'a was a bit rude." Romulus whispered and shifted in the chair. Romano shrugged, eyes still focused forwards. The Silence went on a bit longer before Romulus breathed out slowly...

And then looked at Romano.'

"Lovino...' He started. Lovino didn't make a move to talk.. or speak.. so he felt as though he could continue, "... I know you'a don't want to talk about it. You'a probably don't want to talk to me'a... But. " he suddenly bit his lip, stood up and then sat in the chair closest to the bed. He made Romano look up at him, " I... Why?" he whispered.

Lovino's eyes shifted to the floor. He looked uncomfortable... almost like he was in terror at the thought of bearing his scars to his grandfather- But that was already done without his consent. After his surgery... his grandfather saw his scars. The cut marks... And then his grandfather walked in, saw his scratches and then wiped them clean before he could get any infection.

His grandfather had been trying to help him with his homework for the last few days. But the old man surprisingly had a hard time himself. He looked utterly embarrassed each time they came across something they didn't get.

Then Feli would come in, have to explain it.. and then laughed at them both. Not in a condescending way. Just a , "Its okay, you can ask me. It's kinda funny' Way.'

Romano bit his lip. His arms were throbbing from the memory of what he did to them. He had cut them... scratched them, and then sliced one open just so he could be free of this. So he could free them of everything...

His grandfather said nothing about his scars, but romano knew...

He just knew how the man looked at him. He didn't want Pity...

He didn't want his grandfather to pay attention to him just because he thought he was suicidal.

He wanted his grandfather to...

To...

Ah, He didn't know. He was worthless after all. What was the point in any of this? He couldn't even die...

" Lovino.'

His eyes darted up from the floor.

His grandfather softly touched his cheek and brushed a tear away.

"... Lovino... whats wrong?" he whispered.

Romanos' eyes widened. What... was wrong? Everything. That all he could think. He was worthless, useless. He had no talents, no strong points. Nothing. His brother had all the friends and when he did want to talk to his brother he was replaced by Ludwig and Kiku. It was always like this... When he was younger he had always wanted to be apart of this family- and now he felt like he didn't belong at all.'

After all... He would never be like his Fratello- He...

He was suddenly smothered in a soft hug.

Lovino blinked; his eyes widened in shock. He had never felt this type of warmth before. His brain kept saying it was too late for his grandfather to show care like this, His body was screaming.

He was...

Breathless.'

" I don't know what is going through your mind... And if you don'ta want to tell me... Then that is okay. " He pulled back from the hug all too soon and stroked the boys head, " But we'a love you very much... And everything is going to get better.' he forced a light smile.

Was everything going to get better? But... how did it get better for someone who had no worth?... H-How? He looked down conflicted before feeling his grandfather pat his head again and then smile.

" Just'a you wait... Feli and I are gonna wait your first day back at home so nice'a!" he smiled brightly.

And Although the idea was... kind of exciting, Romano didn't know what to think.

Was this because they actually cared... or was it because he was suicidal? If he got better; would it just go back to being the way it was? Because if that was the case then he didn't want to get better... it'd be better to end the now then to have to feel it again later on down the road.

He didn't get much sleep that night- no matter how much the doctors tried to help him.'

* * *

" OH FELI! Its been a while yes?"

Feli looked up from his locker to see a bright, smiling female. She had wavy brown hair, a pretty flower to go with it and a nice fitting uniform. He'd find her pretty- if she hadn't helped raise him before his grandfather had gotten him when he was younger-

" Oh'a! Miss Elizabeth!" He grinned, " Its'a great to see you! Visiting the school?" She kinda lived far away... Austria far... away. It was a long story that Feli didn't want to think about at the moment. All he wanted to do was smile; Because lately his smiles had been dampened by the mood at home. Like a wet rag that was laid over someone's skin; but had long grown cold because no one was paying attention to it.

Ugh.

Icky.'

" OH YES! " She lit up, " I was visiting... You know how Ludwigs older brother has transferred here and all-

" Vee! He has'a? I can see him here!?" Feli lit up. It was an upside to see his childhood friends after so many years. He needed that, especially after his brother trying to kill himself. Of course he knew he wasn't the one that needed the support.. but it was nice to have something to take your mind off of the pain of home.

So he lit up.

" Oh yes! He's in the Senior line up though.' She giggled, " I was coming to visit, kind of checking out the school myself.' She lit up. He hair swayed just a bit, " But I also know that Gilbert goes here so maybe not...' She growled under her breathe, " How no one has throttled him with a shovel yet I will never know..'

Feli paled.

Yep...

Classic Elizabeth.'

" W-Well... I-I'a have class... so..' he laughed, backing away. Okay.. maybe seeing her wasn't what he needed. But at least it did take his mind off of his brother. Yep. Instead it went to possibly warning Gilbert to write his will early. It was that or he was overreacting but Feli swore he never did. ( Or did he? Ludwig would always look so exhausted at the end of the day... Something about Feli being everywhere and nowhere at the same time. )

" Oh! Well, see you later then!" She grinned, waved, and then seemed to catch sight of her target because she ran off. Feli relaxed and then scrambled on his way to class... following Ludwig who was on his way to math.

Feli whined out.'

" Vhat?"

" Its'a math...'

" So?" Ludwig readjusted his books, ' You've been studying right?" He blinked. Feli wasn't going to answer that question... He had and yet hadn't been but that was not why he was whining at the moment.

"... A-Alfred..." He groaned.

Alfred had been back for a while now; and since Lovino wasn't there to be pissed at. He would occasionally glare at Feli. He had no ill intent against the youngest Vargas, he just wanted to know where Lovino was. He would have his moments where'd he'd throw off.

This had been happening for a while.

Feli was expecting Alfred to corner him and ask him where the hell his brother was- and Feli wasn't sure how he was going to answer such a blunt question. After all... His brother was NOT opening up. He had been practically dead for the last few weeks... he wouldn't talk to him or his grandfather and it would be at random times that Lovino would cry over nothing in particular.

He was worried about his family more than anything. And Alfred's snarky comments weren't making it any better for him.

He HATED fighting. Call him a coward... If Alfred had been the one beating him up? He would have been on his hands and knees begging he stopped- Lovino at least clawed at Alfred and gave him some interesting looking scars.'

He was still scared but at least he did that much.'

But... Feli did have to admit something.

He had patience.

And by god- That patience was running thin. REALLY... thin. His patience was very long and didn't break a lot. He was Feli Vargas after all! He was sweet and kind and all that stuff wrapped into one, But there was one thing you didn't do... and that was mess with his family.

Feli sighed out and dragged in behind Ludwig, He sat down in his usual spot; One one side of Antonio ( who was not there... again. God. How did he pass? Oh yeah.. Home-Economics. ) He rested his head on his hand and started to hum sweetly. It was a song he wrote when he was a little boy. He used to hum it when he thought about his grandfather- and his brother.'

Draw a circle that's the earth.

Draw a circle that's the earth.

Draw a circle that's the earth-

" I see he came in alone again today-'

Feli almost felt himself change the lyrics to- I am pissed off.' But he took in a sip of breath and turned in his seat to look at Ludwig.

" Hey, Hey Hey! Ludwig! " he grinned, " Can I borrow your'a pencil? I forgot'a mine.. Okay- I kinda- sorta- stepped on it! I'ma sorry! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR-'

" Vil you calm down and take the pencil already? I've been holding it out to you the moment you asked... Mein's head hurts too much for the tyred Feli; I honestly can't believe your doesn't.''

" I have'a a stronnnngggg immune syste-'

" That's a lie.' Ludwig deadpanned and then sighed out as he took out his extra pencil. Class would be starting soon- if the teacher would come out of the break room and get her butt in there. Ludwig swore... everytime class started she took forever, merely because she was scared to see them. Why the heck did she even become a teacher if she was just going to let her younger brother do everything?

Feli giggled, " Ahhhh.. Ludwig, You know me so well'a!"

"You're not supposed to admit you openly lied like that...'

" BUT!"

" Nein...' Ludwig shook his head, and Feli felt his smile return tenfold. He wanted to start singing again! And Maybe eat a good lunch! And then he'd get some more and then take it to Romano and have him try some! He wasn't going to let the negative comments bug him at all! What Alfred said didn't matter, What Alfred did would not, and could not make or break his day!

He was going to be strong for his big brother Romano!

Feli grinned and turned back around in his desk; He felt so much lighter- so much freeier! He would have to rub this off on Lovi! He giggled, innocently hoping that he could make someone's day brighter. Kiku was in English period ( For he was still having problems with his 'R's... No matter how much he tried to convince the teacher it was his accent. Nothing more. ) So Feli was even more happy at the prospect of seeing his friend.

People had been pretty worried about him. He had worried his friends and it made him feel bad- After all. He almost didn't show for a week to school, and the principal was so mad! Until the situation was explained. He had asked if he should make an announcement to the class...

But Feli didn't want that.

Lovino probably didn't want people to know that he tried to die.

Some people were so cruel. They wouldn't understand. Some people could say he was trying to take the easy way out; some saying he was craving for attention and sure as hell got it. Feli didn't want to hear that about his brother- So he said no. Only Ludwig, Kiku, Antonio, Gilbert and Francis knew. They were friends and yet they were family in a weird sense.

Feli just wanted to be strong now for Lovino. So when teachers asked where Lovino was? He simply giggled and said, " Big brother is sick!'

Now his brother had been 'sick' for two weeks and things were looking funny. But the teachers hadn't said anything- and he wondered if the principal told them... and they weren't saying anything because they knew his wishes on the matter.

So he just let it slide.

Feli grinned in his thoughts- until he felt his desk vibrate with motion. He blinked open his eyes and he noticed that Alfred had ' Mistakenly' Hit his desk. Not that he cared.. it was just a small hit- that is until he heard Alfred yawn loudly.

" Guess the Lazy Ass Romano club got put back in business... I don't see the guy here.' He plopped down and smirked, " Ah... he probably just took my advice and isn't coming back to school. It's not like he fits in here anyway-'

That's as far as that sentence went.

Because feli's patience snapped.

Ludwig thought he saw a demon rise forth from the pits of hell itself with how Feli got up. Slammed his books down, stomped over to Alfred... grabbed him by his tie and yanked him up from his sitting position.

Cue awkward pause- given Alfred was so much taller...

" You'a listen here you'a Bastardo...' Feli smiled, slowly wrapping his hand up the tie- almost cutting off Alfred's air supply, " I dont'a want to hear anything from your mouth again about my Fratello.' he giggled- Although dark was a better way to describe it, " Hes'a not sick.. he's a not messed up. He did'a more then take someone's advice you dick... " He suddenly glared, " My brother tried to kill himself- and if you keep talking about my family I will beat you to hell and back right here- You got me? Huh? Vee?" He almost smirked- Ludwig paled dramatically.'

" Oh Mein Gott someone grab him!"

All Feli could remember was someone grabbing him, pulling him back and then yanking him into the hall.'

* * *

" THE HELL FELI!?" Ludwig twitched.

He was NEVER pissing off Feli. Whether it be over pasta or a world cup series if this was how Feli acted when he mad?... God no. He knew Feli could get angry and call people bastards... but he didn't think physical was in the category. He thought Feli was born with a white flag- Apparently, that flag had more than one meaning...

"I-... I'm sorry... I...' feli faltered, "... The way he said that... Saying, That he probably wasn't coming back... It made me upset. My Fratello might not come back if he tries to hurt himself again-... I guess.. " his voice dropped to a whisper, " I guess he just voiced my own worry. I mean... ' he laughed, and scratched the back of his neck, " What if I can't help my Fratello? What if he does die?... I only did what I would do for my Fratello. Wouldn't you do it for Gilbert?" He looked Ludwig dead in the eye.

" Gilbert doesn't need help-

" Thats'a where your'a wrong!" Feli snapped, before looking down, twiddling his fingers, " I'a thought Lovino was just good on his own... I thought he was'a okay. And then he tried to kill himself-

" Gilbert isn't like that-

" How'a do you know!? How does anyone KNOW when someone is going through something!? People spout off and say such stupid things.. and.. They'a don't think about the consequences- OH GOD!" Feli suddenly went into spazz mode, " I'a told him about my big brother! This is bad! He'sa gonna have the whole school knowing!" He started jittering.

Lovino didn't need fake pity from people who hardly even knew him. Lovino needed someone that could understand him in the best ways possible! Not someone that gave him a sympathetic, " That's so sad.. are you getting help for it?' look.

" Nein... Don't vorry... I'll 'talk' to him about it... Relax... And Feli?"

"S-Si?"

" Don't ever ask for help again if you can damn well handle yourself...'

Feli blinked back his tears- Swallowed a laugh.. and then giggled.'

" Hehe... I'a can't promise you anything.' He winked.

He didn't think the pressure was building up like that... But he was grateful that he had a friend to scream it out too. He was glad he could let all of that out... and now he got to see his brother tomorrow. Back and home.. and everything.

But he was also worried about that too.

Given Lovino wasn't exactly better, Not mentally anyway.  
Plus...

He was going to be pissed when he found out they practically baby proofed the house...

* * *

Romulus sighed out as he tried to make dinner that night- just something quick for him and Feli so they could take it to the hospital for Romano...

But...

"... Feli!"

" Si Nonno?"

"... Can'a you open the drawer?'

"... E-Erm...' feli laughed awkwardly, held up his hands and took a step back. Romulus paled... and then looked at the phone.

"... Take out?"

"...Si... '


End file.
